By Mo Macsai-Goren
EMBASSY SUITES AT OMAHA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – Shocking even the most seasoned continental breakfast veterans, a new study published late Friday by the American Breakfast Association in conjunction with the United Nations’ Buffet Coalition has revealed that the average serving of eggs from any given buffet contains no less than 80% stinky, cloudy water.
The report surveyed nine thousand breakfast buffets across the nation over 3 years in an effort to once and for all quantify the exact proportion of rubbery, somehow sour eggs to the milky shell consommé that had eluded researchers for so long.
“We tried to do this study back in the late nineties, but the technology just hadn’t caught up,” researcher Gordon Phulp told Gatekeeper reporters. “It finally came to fruition after our lab invented a process that allowed us to safely handle these buffet eggs without gagging just a little bit.”
Although most were pleased with this new knowledge, a small group of particularly vocal buffet egg enthusiasts have refused to accept the results of the study as a valid representation of their experiences.
“The whole thing is completely wrong,” buffet aficionado Gerald Peece said.” I asked for eggs at an Embassy Suites by the airport and I got three pieces of scrambled eggs floating in a nightmare broth that smelled like a sulfur flavored La Croix.”
Environmental activists have since mobilized in order to educate the public on the wasteful practices brought to light by the report. Groups like “Green Eggs and Harm” and “Eggvironment” have taken to the streets to provide the public with alternative uses for leftover egg water to ensure it does not go to waste.
“A lot of people don’t know that egg water is incredibly nutrient-dense” Egg activist Iris Plormps lied. “Instead of throwing that water out, we could be baptizing children or supplying water for the community pool. It sickens me to see so many perfectly good resources go to waste.”
Since being released to the public late Friday afternoon, Embassy Suites stock has dropped 8%.