Study Finds Buffet Eggs 80% Water

By Mo Macsai-Goren

EMBASSY SUITES AT OMAHA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – Shocking even the most seasoned continental breakfast veterans, a new study published late Friday by the American Breakfast Association in conjunction with the United Nations’ Buffet Coalition has revealed that the average serving of eggs from any given buffet contains no less than 80% stinky, cloudy water.

The report surveyed nine thousand breakfast buffets across the nation over 3 years in an effort to once and for all quantify the exact proportion of rubbery, somehow sour eggs to the milky shell consommé that had eluded researchers for so long.

“We tried to do this study back in the late nineties, but the technology just hadn’t caught up,” researcher Gordon Phulp told Gatekeeper reporters. “It finally came to fruition after our lab invented a process that allowed us to safely handle these buffet eggs without gagging just a little bit.”

Although most were pleased with this new knowledge, a small group of particularly vocal buffet egg enthusiasts have refused to accept the results of the study as a valid representation of their experiences.

“The whole thing is completely wrong,” buffet aficionado Gerald Peece said.” I asked for eggs at an Embassy Suites by the airport and I got three pieces of scrambled eggs floating in a nightmare broth that smelled like a sulfur flavored La Croix.”

Environmental activists have since mobilized in order to educate the public on the wasteful practices brought to light by the report. Groups like “Green Eggs and Harm” and “Eggvironment” have taken to the streets to provide the public with alternative uses for leftover egg water to ensure it does not go to waste.

“A lot of people don’t know that egg water is incredibly nutrient-dense” Egg activist Iris Plormps lied. “Instead of throwing that water out, we could be baptizing children or supplying water for the community pool. It sickens me to see so many perfectly good resources go to waste.”

Since being released to the public late Friday afternoon, Embassy Suites stock has dropped 8%.

Cold Water Hurts Teeth

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — Before he went to bad last night, Terry Lard poured himself a nice, big glass of ice water.

Of course, he was conked out by 10:30, and his wife Linda had her own glass of water on her side of the bed.

Over the course of the evening, Terry didn’t take a single sip of the big water next to his bed — even by the time he arrived at work the next morning, Terry was a thirsty man.

So, as is standard procedure at his State Farm Regional office, Terry beelined for the water cooler as soon as he got to the office.

“I knew it was cold from the outside of the cup,” said Terry Lard, amateur falconry expert, “but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.”

Terry said that upon impact, his teeth felt like ice cubes against his gums. He said the feeling is usually unprecedented, with one exception:

“The only time I’ve felt this type of tooth pain before was when I drank that Coors in Mark’s sauna,” said Terry, “The mountains on the can were blue.”

For Terry, the temperature of the water cooler is something he will have to deal with for the rest of his days at State Farm — at least, until Susan from HR responds to his numerous complaints.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over


By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.