Area Man Just Can’t Take Death of Succulent Right Now

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the country enters either day 7,8 or 9 of what has essentially become a nationwide quarantine, things are turning dire in the Sculpin household.

As his shelves sat empty and his toilet paper supply dwindled, little Marty Sculpin sat with his head in his hands, unsure of how he was going to force himself through another 20-minute episode of ‘Love Island.’ That was five minutes before he lost his most prized possession.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Marty Sculpin, speaking from the fetal position, “what with the stock market and airlines being in so much trouble.”

Sculpin, speaking there just seconds after the loss of his pride and joy, was referring to the succulent he purchased at the farmer’s market two weeks ago.

Experts say it’s a miracle the plant made it this long.

“To be frank, the conditions Marty Sculpin is living in are not fit for a human being, let alone a succulent,” said Dr. Vertigo Polongo, plant expert, “Although it is sad we just can’t say we’re surprised.”

Jared was 2 weeks old.

Friend With Anxiety Being Really Weird

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — Drew’s new friends Jeremy and Dan knew he was unique.

“I immediately knew that Drew had anxiety when he told us he had anxiety,” said Jeremy, who is set to inherit his dad’s freelance roofing fortune, “but he kept telling us about things that we did and do that make him anxious, which is just so weird.”

Drew says he told two of his new friends about his anxiety as an effort to decrease the stigma against talking about mental health, especially among men.

“Like, men aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff,” said Dan, a 37-year-old who will never find love, “Yeah, Drew has anxiety, but I feel like he’s just being all weird about it by bringing it up.”

Dan and Jeremy say that as Drew’s friends, it’s now their duty to help him out — even if he’s being weird as fuck right now.

“We took it upon ourselves to tell every single one of our mutual friends about Drew’s condition,” said Dan, who drinks pre-workout before action movies, “That way, he doesn’t have to be anxious or whatever about everyone finding out.”

“I just see Drew doing these breathing exercises and trying to relax himself,” said Jeremy, who dresses as Joe Namath every single Halloween, “If I were him, I’d be hyping myself up and talking to every person I can about how to help.”

 Jeremy and Dan, Drew’s new friends, say they have never suffered from mental health.

Joke Said Again, Louder

By David Colton

THE WORKPLACE — After several seconds of deafening silence, Dennis Herblemann realized the circle of people standing in the break room must not have heard him.

So, he tried again to weave the same exact joke — verbatim — back into the conversation in a natural way.

“… It’d be called a can’t opener!” said Herblemann, a 34-year-old who routinely does explicit work-conversation prep in the car his way to work.

In a second crushing blow, Dennis once again received stone-cold silence from his colleagues, who were presumably still brooding over last night, where everyone had to stay 20 extra minutes so Susan could finish making copies.

“Honestly, all this says to me is ‘Dennis, nobody likes you or wants to spend any time with you,’” said Herblemann, who has worked at this company for 13 years.

“Back to the drawing board!”

Meanwhile, Trey — the new guy in accounting — came out guns blazing in his first week back since flying to Vegas for a poker tournament.

“So then, me and my buddy Jack, both absolutely plastered, won $60k in one hand, from the toilet. Talk about a fuckin’ royal flush, am I right?” said Trey, who might be under 30 according to workplace rumors.

Of course, workplace colleagues were incredibly receptive to Trey’s Vegas routine and at one point appeared to actively tighten the break room circle in an effort to squeeze him out.

Then, Trey did the unthinkable.

“Yo, guys, here’s another classic: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?”

Drunk Friend Also Bad Friend

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, SC — As it turns out, Kyle Murdoch literally lives for bottomless wells. At least, that’s what he kept repeating as he stumbled through Willie’s Sports Bar Thursday, spilling both of the vodka Redbulls he had — one in each hand.

“You should just go for her, dude,” said Kyle, identifying a woman who clearly just wanted to enjoy time with her friends, “she’s a straight smoke.”

Before belting every word to ‘Freebird’ — including a riveting, spot-on vocal rendition of the seven-minute guitar solo — Murdoch made sure he told all three friends he was with how much he loved them.

But these statements of affection quickly turned sour as the 20-year-old began to figure out his friends were slightly annoyed with him.

“Bro, you guys are being fucking cocks,” said Kyle, who has never met or asked about the family of anyone in the friend group, “I’m sick of having such shitty friends.”

“We were supposed to be brothers.”

After 20 minutes of simultaneously sulking and attempting to hit on women with his eyes, Kyle resigned to posting snap stories that objectified people he didn’t know.

At one point, Kyle was fully passed out on the bar, and it was clear he would need to be carried home. During the 30-minute walk home, Murdoch had to be supported on both sides, and fought the friends helping him the entire time.

UPDATE: This morning, Kyle asked why his friends didn’t get him laid last night.

“When I black, I like to black hard, bro. You guys are bad friends.”

Headphones Untangled Just in Time to Hear Roommate Orgasm

By David Colton

FRESHMAN DORMS — When Jeffery Stokes inched open the door to his shared dorm room Thursday night, he could immediately tell something was amiss.

“Yeah, as soon as I walked in Stu said hi and asked how my night was,” said Jeffery, who has an 8 a.m. tomorrow. “We hadn’t spoken in months, so I knew what was happening.”

Jeffery said this wasn’t the first time he’d interrupted Stu’s nightly ritual, which usually takes place one to several times between dusk and dawn.

“It’s sort of like a race, because as soon as he thinks I’m out of earshot he goes right back to pulling his taffy,” Jeffery said, “I sleep six feet away.”

Jeffery describes a riveting ninety-second sound competition where he has to get his headphones into his earholes before Stu’s hand-to-gland combat comes to a close.

“He thinks that by turning the volume on his phone most of the way down I won’t be able to hear him use the voice function to search goblin porn,” said Jeffery, who listens to the preliminary stages of Stu’s one-man-tug-of-war every night.

Jeffery said the goblin porn sounds strangely human, from what he can tell.

“I usually get my headphones untangled just in time to hear the mythical foreplay end,” said Jeffery, “but right about when the warlock makes his third reappearance is when I start to hear super heavy breathing.”

Keens Announces Entry Into Greenish-Beige Capri Industry

By David Colton

PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.

Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.

“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.

The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.

However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.

“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.

“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”

Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.

“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”

Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.

The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.

Chuck Schumer Delicately Places Contacts ¾ Of The Way Down Eyelids

By David Colton

CAPITOL HILL— Trying to showcase his ambitious, flirty side, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer decided Friday it was time to break with years of tradition.

Schumer, in the presence of a small crowd of awestruck librarians, gently undid the padlocks and removed the signature wire-rimmed glasses from his Nose Divot (patent pending).

Then, after returning his oculars to their Fuschsia velvet sheath, Schumer did the unthinkable.

He reached into his briefcase, extracted two loose contact lenses, and scampered off to the Minority Bathroom. It is unclear when the restrooms were labeled.

When he returned, he was almost unrecognizable.

Except, that is, for the signature eyewear placement that has given Schumer his shot at the big leagues.

The condescending 67-year-old made it abundantly clear that he still intended to glare disappointedly at colleagues over the rim of his contact lenses, which now lie perched ¾ of the way down his lids.

It remains unclear whether the glasses were uncomfortable for Sen. Schumer. Although, I suppose they probably were, since he took them off. But actually, the outer-eye contacts don’t look super comfortable either. I wonder if you could make glasses by threading fishing line through small holes in the contact lens. It’d probably be a little uncomfortable, but you could totally be wearing glasses and nobody would know. Except for the person who helped you make the glasses, because I assume it’s probably a two-person job.

Who are we talking about again?

Annual Report Finds Dylan’s Mom Said We Could

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL— In a shock to researchers and scientists across the globe, local boy Mikey Thomas released data Thursday that could have serious implications.

“Well, it really all started when we were gonna do an air soft war,” said Thomas, who landed a role as Perchik in the Middlebury Middle School production of “Fiddler on the Roof” as a 7th grader.

Mikey says he and his two “kid friends,” Dylan Knox and Tanner Oliver, intended to travel from Mikey’s house to the Knox residence, where they would shoot plastic bullets at each other at point blank range with virtually no protection.

“It was Tanner who started acting like a pansy. He said he didn’t want to play, and that it was against the rules,” said Dylan, whose sister is a sophomore in college.

It was in this moment that 13-year-old Mikey Thomas dropped a truth bomb on Tanner.

“I just said, look, kid. These are the facts. Dylan’s mom said we could do air soft at his place no matter what,” Mikey said, “as long as we don’t tell our parents about his secret uncle.”

Tanner declined to comment on the incident, although he was sighted late Tuesday afternoon at Pinkberry with his mom.

With the weakest link effectively severed, Mikey and Dylan say they have big plans.

“We invented this game where if you lose in Fortnite the other person gets to shoot you in the face, no goggles, no blinks,” Mikey said.

Area Man Deems T-Shirt Inside of Hoodie Lying on Floor Too Complex to Deal With Today

By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA— Not all fights are won with victory.

Just three and a half hours after waking up, Konner Woods got out of bed to start his day.

Initially, Woods said, he planned to pick up his room Tuesday, but got sidetracked when he didn’t.

“It’s not even like I was actually doing any activities or anything,” Woods said, “I just was overwhelmed when I saw it for the first time.

“It was like I completely lost control.”

Konner is a simple man. He likes Tapout, Michelob and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He said his spiritual encounter Tuesday afternoon was one of the most difficult moments he’s had mentally in years.

“I saw my hoodie there on the ground, and thought, ‘okay, no problem, I’ve seen this situation before’” Woods said. But then, he said noticed the base of his favorite Ray Romano shirt protruding from within the sweatshirt’s folds.

According to Konner, he’s not the type of guy who enjoys the little adrenaline-inducing prick of an accidental shock from pulling apart two fabric items — especially without adequate preparatory measures.

“Simply put, I don’t like to challenge the lightning gods,” Konner said. “Sometimes you have to look Zeus right in the peepers and just say ‘Not today, fabric wizard.’”

Konner Woods is not employed or happy.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over


By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.