Man Leaves Concert Early to Buy $85 Sweatshirt

By David Colton

CULVER’S CENTER — After weeks of anticipation, Kev and the boys were thrilled to finally have the chance to get plastered in a non-basement setting.

Thursday night saw this year’s second installation of the tri-annual Foreigner Concert Experience at the freshly erected Culver’s Center in Gary, Indiana.

Kev and the boys (Trey, Troy, Nick and TJ) attend at least two of the three Foreigner concerts at Gary’s Culver’s Center per year, according to a dresser drawer full of ticket stubs.

Each year, the gentlemen commemorate their trip with two celebratory torso garments. The first are custom-made with white t-shirts and airbrush paint, while the second are traditionally merchandise items purchased at the concert itself.

This year, Foreigner hired a 34-year-old wearing a floppy hat to design the sweatshirts, and Kev and the boys simply could not resist.

The “loved and broken”-style sweatshirt is a reimagining of the band’s hit sweatshirt from the 1996 “Foreigner Takes Canada” tour.

“I figured, we leave as soon as they start playing ‘Dirty White Boy,’ there will be zero line at the merch stand,” said Kev, leader of Kev and the boys, “Plus, by leaving 25 minutes after the set starts, we can avoid traffic.”

With this foolproof plan, K and the B’s say they have reached the pinnacle of streamlined concert attending.

Area Man Deems T-Shirt Inside of Hoodie Lying on Floor Too Complex to Deal With Today

By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA— Not all fights are won with victory.

Just three and a half hours after waking up, Konner Woods got out of bed to start his day.

Initially, Woods said, he planned to pick up his room Tuesday, but got sidetracked when he didn’t.

“It’s not even like I was actually doing any activities or anything,” Woods said, “I just was overwhelmed when I saw it for the first time.

“It was like I completely lost control.”

Konner is a simple man. He likes Tapout, Michelob and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He said his spiritual encounter Tuesday afternoon was one of the most difficult moments he’s had mentally in years.

“I saw my hoodie there on the ground, and thought, ‘okay, no problem, I’ve seen this situation before’” Woods said. But then, he said noticed the base of his favorite Ray Romano shirt protruding from within the sweatshirt’s folds.

According to Konner, he’s not the type of guy who enjoys the little adrenaline-inducing prick of an accidental shock from pulling apart two fabric items — especially without adequate preparatory measures.

“Simply put, I don’t like to challenge the lightning gods,” Konner said. “Sometimes you have to look Zeus right in the peepers and just say ‘Not today, fabric wizard.’”

Konner Woods is not employed or happy.