Man Leaves Concert Early to Buy $85 Sweatshirt

By David Colton

CULVER’S CENTER — After weeks of anticipation, Kev and the boys were thrilled to finally have the chance to get plastered in a non-basement setting.

Thursday night saw this year’s second installation of the tri-annual Foreigner Concert Experience at the freshly erected Culver’s Center in Gary, Indiana.

Kev and the boys (Trey, Troy, Nick and TJ) attend at least two of the three Foreigner concerts at Gary’s Culver’s Center per year, according to a dresser drawer full of ticket stubs.

Each year, the gentlemen commemorate their trip with two celebratory torso garments. The first are custom-made with white t-shirts and airbrush paint, while the second are traditionally merchandise items purchased at the concert itself.

This year, Foreigner hired a 34-year-old wearing a floppy hat to design the sweatshirts, and Kev and the boys simply could not resist.

The “loved and broken”-style sweatshirt is a reimagining of the band’s hit sweatshirt from the 1996 “Foreigner Takes Canada” tour.

“I figured, we leave as soon as they start playing ‘Dirty White Boy,’ there will be zero line at the merch stand,” said Kev, leader of Kev and the boys, “Plus, by leaving 25 minutes after the set starts, we can avoid traffic.”

With this foolproof plan, K and the B’s say they have reached the pinnacle of streamlined concert attending.

Ugly Man Fired

By David Colton

OMAHA — Carl Delores Brown was more than happy to accept his first full-time job 15 years ago when he walked through the doors of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation.

He was coming off of an interesting period in grad school, full of experiential journeys and sexual exploration.

Of course, Carl was homeschooled through grad school and is still struggling to pay off a mountain of debt, largely from this graduate program.

When Carl began as a receptionist at Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig, he felt like the possibilities were endless.

“We fired Carl for a true myriad of reasons,” said Gregory Herman, founding member of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation. “If I had to choose one thing though, it was his physical appearance that made me want to get rid of him.”

While it’s clear that Carl has no sense of style or genetics, he says it seems unfair to him that he should lose his 15-year tenure and all of his health benefits just because he ran out of tissues that one time.

The company released a written statement regarding Carl’s employment status:

Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation is in no way responsible or liable for the status of this man’s life. He made our days longer and worse, and he made all of us sad by attacking us with his sad stories of getting cheated on and divorced and losing custody of his children. If you see this man on the street, try your best not to verbally berate him— but if you do, we understand.

“I put in the work for 15 years, and this is how they repay me?” Carl said, unintentionally walking past a mirror where he was stopped in his tracks. “Actually, yeah, I get it.”

Cold Water Hurts Teeth

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — Before he went to bad last night, Terry Lard poured himself a nice, big glass of ice water.

Of course, he was conked out by 10:30, and his wife Linda had her own glass of water on her side of the bed.

Over the course of the evening, Terry didn’t take a single sip of the big water next to his bed — even by the time he arrived at work the next morning, Terry was a thirsty man.

So, as is standard procedure at his State Farm Regional office, Terry beelined for the water cooler as soon as he got to the office.

“I knew it was cold from the outside of the cup,” said Terry Lard, amateur falconry expert, “but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.”

Terry said that upon impact, his teeth felt like ice cubes against his gums. He said the feeling is usually unprecedented, with one exception:

“The only time I’ve felt this type of tooth pain before was when I drank that Coors in Mark’s sauna,” said Terry, “The mountains on the can were blue.”

For Terry, the temperature of the water cooler is something he will have to deal with for the rest of his days at State Farm — at least, until Susan from HR responds to his numerous complaints.

Man Uses Laptop as Plate

By David Colton

BROOKLYN — Dan Miller was never planning on opening his blinds Thursday. In fact, when he realized that it was sunny outside, he flipped them from all the way down to all the way up — even though the amount of shade provided was exactly the same.

Dan knew that today wouldn’t be the day he found a job, let alone the day he walked down to that Pottery Barn down the street.

Nay, wise Dan chose another path for his off-brand Hot Pocket. After a few excruciating minutes rotating on a heavily-stained microwave dish, Dan removed the “Cheezy Bread Square” from its solitary confinement.

It was, of course, 8,000 degrees, and so Dan, putting his business degree to good use, found an alternate plate. However, it slipped off onto the floor and exploded weirdly hard on the ground, evaporating completely.

 It was then that Dan decided to take matters into his own hands: time for eggs and bacon, baby—both prepared a la microwave, of course.

“I came home to a completely dark apartment at 3 p.m.,” said Dan’s mother, confirming they weren’t in that weird Alaskan night time thing, “I’m just glad it wasn’t Tomato soup again.”

UPDATE: Dan has still not found a job, even after two hours of surfing GoDaddy for that steamy pic of Danica Patrick.

Centaur Found Cut in Half, Totally Fine

By David Colton

UNCHANTED FOREST — Local man and horse Hoof Johnson was found on the ground late Thursday morning, following what he described as an excruciating and liberating experience.

He says he continues to live his life as both a man and a horse, and hopes to keep pursuing his dreams of being an English teacher.

“So many people used to say “Centaurs can’t teach English, they all talk in Shakespearian lore,” said Hoof, who is now considering switching names with his horse half, Johnson, “But now I’m just a dude.”

Johnson said his immediate plans include showing up to teach English with no lesson plan and several movies as his backup.

“It’s time people heard the lost call of my people,” said Hoof, “Firenze is not the only goddamn  centaur.”

Incoming freshmen “Utterly Terrified” of Junior living in dorm


By Kacen Bayless

SCHURZ HALL – Earlier today, six freshmen residing on the fifth floor of Schurz Residential Hall held a meeting inside self-proclaimed cool guy Brad Butler’s dorm room. The cause of this possible coup was centered around the mysterious junior living at the end of the boys’ hallway.

“I knew Brad was the one guy we could go to with this information once I saw the amount of Ferrari posters in his room,” resident Chester Sullivan, freshman, said, his eyes wide in terror. “With everything that’s going on, we all feel safe in his room.”

The residents agree they first witnessed the junior, whose name is either Keith or Darren, on move-in day and have been terrified ever since.

“He only comes back to the floor around midnight,” pesky little guy Steven Plasken said, “It’s like he doesn’t even want to hang out with us.”

Instead of engaging in the floor’s ice-breaker activities with Residential Advisor Jason Alexander, the junior was nowhere to be seen.

“I went and knocked on his door, hoping to invite him to the ice cream social…” Sullivan said, pausing to catch his breath. “…and he wasn’t even there.”

During the ice cream social, the six gentlemen also unsuccessfully tried to coax the girls from the floor over to hall’s lounge. The 20 or so women allegedly told the boys they were planning on just staying in for the night, but were later seen socializing with the residents on floor three.

“It can’t be us that they’re afraid of,” Plasken said, his peskiness rising. “I think they’re afraid of…him.”

The junior, whose name I’m starting to think isn’t either Keith or Darren, was unavailable for comment, but the six freshmen all agreed that he’s probably out there somewhere being super mysterious.

“We don’t know why he’s here or what his plan is, but we want him gone,” Brad Butler said, speaking for the group of guys huddled behind his mini fridge. “He’s the main reason why I haven’t gotten laid in college yet.”

Man who is forced to breathe through an oxygen tank goes on radical underwater journey


By David Colton

PACIFIC OCEAN – Local elderly man and potential warlock Ernest Goodrich has struggled with breathing ever since he was diagnosed with solid blood syndrome (SBS), a rare and terrifying condition.

However, Ernest is making the most out of his SBS-riddled life.

“They gave me this oxygen tank, and put it through my nose and stuff,” says Goodrich, 75, “honestly that’s what inspired me to go on a sick aquatic journey in the first place.”

Goodrich has always had a passion for the water, as he used to be an ‘enhanced interrogator’ for the United States Government.

“Having that job really opened my eyes to what kind of awesome shit you’d be able to do if you could breathe underwater,” explains Goodrich, “and next thing you know—bam! My blood turns solid.”

Goodrich, who is somehow still alive, was given an oxygen tank to assist his breathing, although his doctor was quoted as saying “That’s not going to help you at all.”

Goodrich has continued to reiterate how radical it would be if he took his oxygen tank into the ocean, and is standing curiously close to the edge of the water.

“I mean, think about it dude, there’s enough oxygen in here for like, a year,” points out Goodrich, “I could grow gills and join a family of fish.”

As Goodrich readies himself for the perils of the deep-sea pacific ocean, he has continued to focus on the positives to his SBS.

“Honestly, I’ll probably sink a lot faster in the water, so that’ll work to my advantage. I just can’t wait to see the Titanic!” continued Goodrich, who knows less and less about what’s going on as each minute passes.


UPDATE: Goodrich has not been alive for three years. Who is this man?

Guy with man bun and beard definitely wears jeans even when it’s hot out


By David Colton

ROSE MUSIC HALL – Sources this week confirmed that one guy you saw at the Joy Division cover band’s show has little to no feeling in his legs, and is unopposed to wearing jeans outside in mid-August.

The man, whose man-bun and beard are both clear indicators of someone who still listens to Hozier, had a few choice words about the allegations:

“Nah, man, jeans? Do they still make those?” said the guy, taking drags of 3 different blends of American Spirits at the same time, “Oh, you’re talking about these privileged leg wraps? No, these aren’t denim.”

The man, who lost all feeling in his legs after a run-in with a typewriter (for some reason) says he doesn’t like to discriminate against “leg wraps.”

“Yeah, at this point, I don’t really like to hate on any one kind of leg wrap, just because there are so many,” explains the guy, “You’ve got everything from beige half-legs to waist-high socks, or a personal favorite of mine, the tunic.”

After declining to explain his comments on the nature of his coffee-shop-junkie look several times, the guy was spotted in the front row at the opener for the opener for Neutral Milk Hotel, and yes, he was wearing jeans.