Man Uses Laptop as Plate

By David Colton

BROOKLYN — Dan Miller was never planning on opening his blinds Thursday. In fact, when he realized that it was sunny outside, he flipped them from all the way down to all the way up — even though the amount of shade provided was exactly the same.

Dan knew that today wouldn’t be the day he found a job, let alone the day he walked down to that Pottery Barn down the street.

Nay, wise Dan chose another path for his off-brand Hot Pocket. After a few excruciating minutes rotating on a heavily-stained microwave dish, Dan removed the “Cheezy Bread Square” from its solitary confinement.

It was, of course, 8,000 degrees, and so Dan, putting his business degree to good use, found an alternate plate. However, it slipped off onto the floor and exploded weirdly hard on the ground, evaporating completely.

 It was then that Dan decided to take matters into his own hands: time for eggs and bacon, baby—both prepared a la microwave, of course.

“I came home to a completely dark apartment at 3 p.m.,” said Dan’s mother, confirming they weren’t in that weird Alaskan night time thing, “I’m just glad it wasn’t Tomato soup again.”

UPDATE: Dan has still not found a job, even after two hours of surfing GoDaddy for that steamy pic of Danica Patrick.

Report Finds Nation’s Edible Consumers Not Feeling Anything Yet

By Mo Macsai-Goren

DENVER – Insisting that the previous dose could not possibly be high enough, a new study has revealed that the Nation’s edible consumers are still not feeling anything yet.

According to the report, these stupid chocolates were supposed to kick in like, 30 minutes ago. In order to combat the delayed psychoactive results, consumers are advised to just go ahead and eat the rest of them.

“It’s only weed, right? What could go wrong?” Every single edible consumer asked before downing the rest of the included doses and even weirdly licking the package, as if that would help.

The report goes on to detail different activities to do while you wait such as completely forgetting about the edibles and diving head first into a political debate with your uncle.

The Nation’s edible consumers went on to amend the report by insisting that they be taken to the hospital immediately, citing the feeling of their heartbeat in their eyelids, genuinely forgetting that inhaling is a vital component of breathing, and their sudden tolerance for the 2007 smash hit “Waterhouse: Legend of the Deep.”