report – The Gatekeeper

By Mo Macsai-Goren

DENVER – Insisting that the previous dose could not possibly be high enough, a new study has revealed that the Nation’s edible consumers are still not feeling anything yet.

According to the report, these stupid chocolates were supposed to kick in like, 30 minutes ago. In order to combat the delayed psychoactive results, consumers are advised to just go ahead and eat the rest of them.

“It’s only weed, right? What could go wrong?” Every single edible consumer asked before downing the rest of the included doses and even weirdly licking the package, as if that would help.

The report goes on to detail different activities to do while you wait such as completely forgetting about the edibles and diving head first into a political debate with your uncle.

The Nation’s edible consumers went on to amend the report by insisting that they be taken to the hospital immediately, citing the feeling of their heartbeat in their eyelids, genuinely forgetting that inhaling is a vital component of breathing, and their sudden tolerance for the 2007 smash hit “Waterhouse: Legend of the Deep.”

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL— In a shock to researchers and scientists across the globe, local boy Mikey Thomas released data Thursday that could have serious implications.

“Well, it really all started when we were gonna do an air soft war,” said Thomas, who landed a role as Perchik in the Middlebury Middle School production of “Fiddler on the Roof” as a 7^th grader.

Mikey says he and his two “kid friends,” Dylan Knox and Tanner Oliver, intended to travel from Mikey’s house to the Knox residence, where they would shoot plastic bullets at each other at point blank range with virtually no protection.

“It was Tanner who started acting like a pansy. He said he didn’t want to play, and that it was against the rules,” said Dylan, whose sister is a sophomore in college.

It was in this moment that 13-year-old Mikey Thomas dropped a truth bomb on Tanner.

“I just said, look, kid. These are the facts. Dylan’s mom said we could do air soft at his place no matter what,” Mikey said, “as long as we don’t tell our parents about his secret uncle.”

Tanner declined to comment on the incident, although he was sighted late Tuesday afternoon at Pinkberry with his mom.

With the weakest link effectively severed, Mikey and Dylan say they have big plans.

“We invented this game where if you lose in Fortnite the other person gets to shoot you in the face, no goggles, no blinks,” Mikey said.

Tag: report

Report Finds Nation’s Edible Consumers Not Feeling Anything Yet

Annual Report Finds Dylan’s Mom Said We Could