Emotionally Stunted Teen Has Coolest Parents

By Ben Gaspin

GREENWICH –  Sixteen-year-old Jackson Smalls has the life most teens dream of. He has a girlfriend, a car, and access to his father’s medical marijuana card. That’s right: Jackson Smalls has the coolest parents ever.

Smalls didn’t always know his parents were cool. In fact, he thought he was the cool one. To him, they were just Mom, who taught his friend Shiera how to kiss a boy because her mom is too conservative, and Dad, who coached Jackson’s basketball team and gave the other boys pointers to improve their game, while he just told Jackson how proud of him he was.

It wasn’t until Jackson threw a party while his parents were skydiving in Malta that he realized he might not be the stud he once believed. He made the mistake of telling friends that his parents were out of town, not realizing that the main reason they loved his house was because his dad is hella funny and his mom once told the principal that she could go fuck herself. 

Jackson’s girlfriend, Amanda Greene, comforts him when she can. “I’m kinda like his therapist, you know. He can never really find the words for how he’s feeling, or if he’s got any prospects in life. I want to tell him to talk to his parents because they’ll make him feel better by saying he can be president if he wants to, but also I feel like that’s a burden on Becky–oh, sorry, that’s his mom–you know?”

It is a burden for Becky, which is why Mr. and Mrs. Smalls tell their son weekly that it’s perfectly okay to talk to a therapist, even if nothing’s wrong yet, and you know what? Why don’t they just go ahead and set up an appointment for next week; he can go if he wants to or just cancel it.

Jackson has yet to see a therapist. When asked for comment, his only response was “Why would I talk about my feelings when Mortal Kombat can bury them deep inside me?”

Five Dressers That Might Tip Over if You Open All The Drawers

By David Colton

  1. Your Older Brother Joey’s Dresser From College
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Oh yeah, that dresser would probably tip over. It looks heavy, even with all the drawers closed. I would say the fact that the drawers are so tall makes it more likely for the entire structure to tip over because of the extra wood necessary to construct it.

2. Your Great Aunt’s Old Dresser From Before She Left

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This bad boy would almost certainly come crashing down. I mean, just look at it! The vertical shape makes it nearly impossible to avoid a fall. Plus, there’s a chance Great Aunt Melinda left her shotgun in there, and we all remember how much that thing weighed from when she let us hold it when we were little!

3. That Dresser From the Basement

I’m not really sure whose dresser that is or why it’s in our basement, but I’m almost positive this sonofagun would be a goner if all of those rolly drawers were slid out to maximum length. Plus, the image already gives us a taste of what it would be like. And also Dad keeps his emergency cigarettes in there so maybe we shouldn’t tip it over.

4. This Dresser From Online

This one was just a picture from when I google searched for dressers with heavy, slidey drawers. I think this baby will almost certainly take a spill if you forget to put on your socks before the entire rest of your outfit and don’t close any of the drawers in between. Additionally, those rolly drawers look totally heavy.

5. Dad’s Favorite Dresser From His Old Family

Needless to say, Dad would be pretty pissed if we tipped over his favorite dresser from before he started dating mom last month. But just look at it! Those drawers are begging to be opened the rest of the way. Just inch them out a little more, and we’ll keep lookout for dad. He doesn’t even want the dresser, he just likes it because he says it still smells like Janice.

Mom Wearing Four Pairs of Prescription Sunglasses

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL — Citing a lack of sunscreen that can be effectively applied to her eyelids, Janet Schuster spent $674 on sunglasses in a single trip to MyEyeDr. Friday.

These aren’t your run-of-the-mill, regular see-through sunglasses either.

According to Janet, every additional pair of prescription -3.8 glasses with polarized sun protection just adds to the distance from which she can make sure her son isn’t being excluded from sports games at the beach.

“With my new method of vision, I can be sure that my André is always a captain for sand baseball,” said Janet, who is 48 and strangely competitive about yoga. “I love new trends!”

André, who is 12 now, has officially established himself as the leader of the small group of sixth-grade boys. He said the key to his success is simple: cyberbully the weak.

Janet said she’s incredibly proud of little André, and even more proud of her husband, who owns and operates an Instagram account for his veganism.

For Janet, her sunglasses/ tinted telescope creation is just the beginning of how she will spend her days.

She already has plans in the works for a one-piece swimsuit you can wear to the store.

Close-Knit Community Rallies Behind Newly Single MILF

By Ronnie Guggs

WINNETKA, IL — Supporters lined the streets of downtown Sunday as the community held its first rally in support of Isabella street’s hottest, loneliest new resident.

Most people knew Cheryl Thurtis as Trevor’s stepmom. Cheryl is a great stepmom, the type that let you have ice cream as an after-school snack —and, she’s totally hot.

But now, word on the street is that Trevor’s dad, Burke, slept with his receptionist again, and the Thurtis family is splitting up for good.

“I don’t know if the community would be so ready to reach out and help if she wasn’t so hot,” next door neighbor Leanne Hinkins said. “She’s like, Stacy’s Mom hot.”

Apparently, the tight-knit community doesn’t often find things to agree on, let alone to this extent.

Cheryl said she feels like a regular Ginger Rogers. Although most of the area’s teenage boys don’t know who that is, several of them confirmed that this comparison was “for sure correct” and “super hot.”

“I just didn’t think our little family-oriented community could come together over something this important,” said Herman Drope, local taxidermist, “we couldn’t even get anyone to vote in the 2018 midterms.”

Room Cleaned in Preparation for Professional Cleaners

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL — Sharon Honks didn’t think she’d have to ask her son more than three times to clean his room.

Herb the cleaning man only comes twice a week, and today was one of those fateful days.

Yet, when Sharon Honks ventured upstairs to check the progress on little Keith’s room-cleaning venture, she was disappointed to find that he had not, in fact, begun the process at all.

“Keith! I told you to put your clothes away last night, you little shit,” said Sharon Honks, who works 60 hours per week while her husband freelance paints. “Herb will be here at 7:30, but you know he likes to get here by 6:45.”

Upon being jolted awake by his mother’s booming voice, Keith scrambled out of bed and over to his dresser, but not before absolutely smoking his pinky toe on the sharp corner of his bed frame.

Keith let out a loud expletive, and his mother a vocal refrain telling him to watch his fucking mouth.

By the time Herb arrived at 6:45, Keith had effectively swept all of the items on top of his incredibly cluttered dresser into the top drawer.

Annual Report Finds Dylan’s Mom Said We Could

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL— In a shock to researchers and scientists across the globe, local boy Mikey Thomas released data Thursday that could have serious implications.

“Well, it really all started when we were gonna do an air soft war,” said Thomas, who landed a role as Perchik in the Middlebury Middle School production of “Fiddler on the Roof” as a 7th grader.

Mikey says he and his two “kid friends,” Dylan Knox and Tanner Oliver, intended to travel from Mikey’s house to the Knox residence, where they would shoot plastic bullets at each other at point blank range with virtually no protection.

“It was Tanner who started acting like a pansy. He said he didn’t want to play, and that it was against the rules,” said Dylan, whose sister is a sophomore in college.

It was in this moment that 13-year-old Mikey Thomas dropped a truth bomb on Tanner.

“I just said, look, kid. These are the facts. Dylan’s mom said we could do air soft at his place no matter what,” Mikey said, “as long as we don’t tell our parents about his secret uncle.”

Tanner declined to comment on the incident, although he was sighted late Tuesday afternoon at Pinkberry with his mom.

With the weakest link effectively severed, Mikey and Dylan say they have big plans.

“We invented this game where if you lose in Fortnite the other person gets to shoot you in the face, no goggles, no blinks,” Mikey said.