10 Vegan Recipes to Cook on Your Scorching-Hot Macbook Charger

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Summer is officially here! That means swimming, tanning, and sand when you wipe! If you’re anything like me, you’re probably looking for vegan-friendly summer recipes that are easy to make and won’t break your beach bod diet!

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of seeing so-called “easy” one-pot recipes that require loads of special kitchen equipment. After brushing my arm against my white-hot Macbook charger and singeing all my hair off, inspiration struck.

Why bother with a finicky stove or a crusty crockpot when the good people at apple have included a high-powered heating element directly into your now-obsolete computer? Why waste your time waiting for your oven to preheat when your charger is instantly searing hot from the moment you plug it in?

Gather your veggies, marinade your seitan, and plug in your computer because the following recipes are easy, healthy, tasty, and can all be prepared on your piping hot ‘puter plug.

1. Cashew Cheese & Vegan Bacon Impossible Burger

This meat-masquerading marvel is a perfect easy meal. The burgers must be seared on high head until cooked thoroughly. Good thing your Macbook charger and the accompanying exposed wires are painfully hot to the touch.

2. Summer Squash Summer Salad

This vegan delight doesn’t require a heating element because all the ingredients are perfect just the way you are. Unfortunately, you put your fresh arugula down next to your computer charger and the ambient heat emanating off of it burnt your greens to a crisp.

3. Soy Chicken “Caesar” Salad

Cook your soy chicken through completely in under five seconds as your laptop charger glows red and hisses violently. Don’t forget about the croutons! Remember to let them toast for no more than 90 seconds or they will burst into flame.

4. Sofritas Scramble

Cook this scrumptious scramble in seconds after giving your charger seven seconds to fully heat up. When you’re done, try a 30-minute glass blowing lesson powered by the inferno emitted by your powercord.

5. Take Up Welding

Don’t let all that heat go to waste! Power a small, vegan, self-contained welding machine and don’t forget to keep those goggles on in case the arc voltage is too high when you’re bare metal-arc welding a base metal to a welding rod. Remember to practice your welding terminology! There will be a quiz.

6. Harness the Power Of Flight

All these recipes are nice and everything but why waste the unbelievable heating source in your back pocket? Use your charging cable to fill a large (vegan) balloon with hot air and take to the sky. Be back in 80 days!

7. Develop a Vegan Nuclear Power Turbine

Use that heat for good! Harnessing the heat from your charger, turn water into steam into energy into amazing HBO Miniseries’! What’s the worst that could happen?

8. Frack Every Last Drop of Natural Gas From Appalachia*

Plug your Macbook charger in to your state-of-the-art hydraulic drill and use the heat to crack through a layer of shale to release that sweet, sweet, natural gas. Pay no attention to local community members as they beg you to stop drilling due to the horrific ecological ramifications and longterm health risks. You’re gonna be rich!

*This is the only recipe that is not completely vegan. Although natural gas does come straight from the earth, it is derived from the remains of hundreds of thousands of extinct marine life that has been broken down underground for millions of years. It has also been processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, wheat, and soy.

9. Harness the Power of the Sun

Your computer can withstand the heat from your charger, meaning that it should be able to safely absorb the heat from the sun, a slightly cooler source-of-all-life that powers our world as we know it. Pick up a cheap 93,000,000 mile extension cord on Amazon and charge all your accessories in a blink of an eye. Talk about solar power!

10. Vegan Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Boil water in seconds and cook your pasta in under a minute as you cook this deliciously creamy, rich plant-based pasta dish. Don’t forget to add nutritional yeast for that extra cheesy flavor and wear protective eye gear when looking directly at your red-hot Macbook charger. The radiation can sear your corneas in seconds!

Close-Knit Community Rallies Behind Newly Single MILF

By Ronnie Guggs

WINNETKA, IL — Supporters lined the streets of downtown Sunday as the community held its first rally in support of Isabella street’s hottest, loneliest new resident.

Most people knew Cheryl Thurtis as Trevor’s stepmom. Cheryl is a great stepmom, the type that let you have ice cream as an after-school snack —and, she’s totally hot.

But now, word on the street is that Trevor’s dad, Burke, slept with his receptionist again, and the Thurtis family is splitting up for good.

“I don’t know if the community would be so ready to reach out and help if she wasn’t so hot,” next door neighbor Leanne Hinkins said. “She’s like, Stacy’s Mom hot.”

Apparently, the tight-knit community doesn’t often find things to agree on, let alone to this extent.

Cheryl said she feels like a regular Ginger Rogers. Although most of the area’s teenage boys don’t know who that is, several of them confirmed that this comparison was “for sure correct” and “super hot.”

“I just didn’t think our little family-oriented community could come together over something this important,” said Herman Drope, local taxidermist, “we couldn’t even get anyone to vote in the 2018 midterms.”

(Op-Ed) Yes, I Do Have To Do My Sit-Ups in the Sauna

By Angus “Squid” Turpentine

Every morning, I wake up at 9:46 a.m. and sit in bed for four minutes, scroll through Brietbart Sports and drink my leftover OJ from 6 p.m. the night before. On my way downstairs, I always stop by the coal cauldron and grab a few lumps of our nation’s proudest flammable export. By the time I get out the door, I’ve got a sack full o’coal and have already walked over 60 steps, and I’m not looking to mess around.

I sprint the first six blocks, which are at a 13.5 percent incline, and get my heart rate going faster than a pristinely bred ferret on race day. Then, I stop and open my linen drawstring bag to make sure all the coal is still in there. Of course, it always is. As I jog the next seven miles to the YMCA, I rotate between calisthenics like the shuffle, karaoke and more.

There’s no stopping this.

When I finally trot up to the wood dungeon, I make it very well known why I’m there. I’m there to tone core and score some lady sweat. Not literally, obviously. Those days are far behind me. But nay, there be no denyin’ it. The lassies that swing through the sauna, aye, they be the ones with the most sweat to lose. Not that it’s different for guys. Men are equal.

So, to answer your question guy, yeah. I do need to do my sit-ups in the sauna. And if you’ve got a problem, you can tell it to these scorching hot rocks. And I’m not talking about my rock-hard buns. Not yet, at least.

Suck on that, Jonathan. Go back to the steam room, peasant.

Consider yourself inked.