Five Dressers That Might Tip Over if You Open All The Drawers

By David Colton

  1. Your Older Brother Joey’s Dresser From College
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Oh yeah, that dresser would probably tip over. It looks heavy, even with all the drawers closed. I would say the fact that the drawers are so tall makes it more likely for the entire structure to tip over because of the extra wood necessary to construct it.

2. Your Great Aunt’s Old Dresser From Before She Left

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This bad boy would almost certainly come crashing down. I mean, just look at it! The vertical shape makes it nearly impossible to avoid a fall. Plus, there’s a chance Great Aunt Melinda left her shotgun in there, and we all remember how much that thing weighed from when she let us hold it when we were little!

3. That Dresser From the Basement

I’m not really sure whose dresser that is or why it’s in our basement, but I’m almost positive this sonofagun would be a goner if all of those rolly drawers were slid out to maximum length. Plus, the image already gives us a taste of what it would be like. And also Dad keeps his emergency cigarettes in there so maybe we shouldn’t tip it over.

4. This Dresser From Online

This one was just a picture from when I google searched for dressers with heavy, slidey drawers. I think this baby will almost certainly take a spill if you forget to put on your socks before the entire rest of your outfit and don’t close any of the drawers in between. Additionally, those rolly drawers look totally heavy.

5. Dad’s Favorite Dresser From His Old Family

Needless to say, Dad would be pretty pissed if we tipped over his favorite dresser from before he started dating mom last month. But just look at it! Those drawers are begging to be opened the rest of the way. Just inch them out a little more, and we’ll keep lookout for dad. He doesn’t even want the dresser, he just likes it because he says it still smells like Janice.

Area Man Deems T-Shirt Inside of Hoodie Lying on Floor Too Complex to Deal With Today

By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA— Not all fights are won with victory.

Just three and a half hours after waking up, Konner Woods got out of bed to start his day.

Initially, Woods said, he planned to pick up his room Tuesday, but got sidetracked when he didn’t.

“It’s not even like I was actually doing any activities or anything,” Woods said, “I just was overwhelmed when I saw it for the first time.

“It was like I completely lost control.”

Konner is a simple man. He likes Tapout, Michelob and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He said his spiritual encounter Tuesday afternoon was one of the most difficult moments he’s had mentally in years.

“I saw my hoodie there on the ground, and thought, ‘okay, no problem, I’ve seen this situation before’” Woods said. But then, he said noticed the base of his favorite Ray Romano shirt protruding from within the sweatshirt’s folds.

According to Konner, he’s not the type of guy who enjoys the little adrenaline-inducing prick of an accidental shock from pulling apart two fabric items — especially without adequate preparatory measures.

“Simply put, I don’t like to challenge the lightning gods,” Konner said. “Sometimes you have to look Zeus right in the peepers and just say ‘Not today, fabric wizard.’”

Konner Woods is not employed or happy.