Area Man Deems T-Shirt Inside of Hoodie Lying on Floor Too Complex to Deal With Today

By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA— Not all fights are won with victory.

Just three and a half hours after waking up, Konner Woods got out of bed to start his day.

Initially, Woods said, he planned to pick up his room Tuesday, but got sidetracked when he didn’t.

“It’s not even like I was actually doing any activities or anything,” Woods said, “I just was overwhelmed when I saw it for the first time.

“It was like I completely lost control.”

Konner is a simple man. He likes Tapout, Michelob and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He said his spiritual encounter Tuesday afternoon was one of the most difficult moments he’s had mentally in years.

“I saw my hoodie there on the ground, and thought, ‘okay, no problem, I’ve seen this situation before’” Woods said. But then, he said noticed the base of his favorite Ray Romano shirt protruding from within the sweatshirt’s folds.

According to Konner, he’s not the type of guy who enjoys the little adrenaline-inducing prick of an accidental shock from pulling apart two fabric items — especially without adequate preparatory measures.

“Simply put, I don’t like to challenge the lightning gods,” Konner said. “Sometimes you have to look Zeus right in the peepers and just say ‘Not today, fabric wizard.’”

Konner Woods is not employed or happy.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over


By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.

Donald Trump Appoints ’91 Buick LeSabre to Secretary of Transportation



By David Colton

WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.

“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”

Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.

“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”

Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.

Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.

“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”