Quiz: You’re Multilingual Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Can You Learn Your Torah Portion By Saturday?

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Uh oh! You, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, completely forgot to learn your Torah portion and your bar mitzvah is this Saturday! Can you memorize the whole thing before you step up onto the bimah?


Beto O’Rourke Didn’t See You at His Gig Last Night

By David Colton

RANDY’S TAVERN — Even after delaying his set by 25 minutes and stopping the show several times in between Elliott Smith covers, Beto said after the show he was “like, majorly bummed” he didn’t see you in the crowd.

O’Rourke, who recently declared his candidacy for president, is best known for doing a poor job of riding a skateboard around a Whataburger parking lot in dress clothes.

None of this changes the fact that he planned a very specific set list because he thought you’d actually give a shit enough to show.

“What? You think I just decided to play mostly originals for no reason?” said Beto, who has never actually written any of his own songs.

“I un-learned six Phish songs for you.”

Although it is not clear why the former non-senator had to unlearn songs to include originals in his set, we figured we’d be better off just staying out of his way and let him sing other people’s songs.

“I’m not sure where we’ll be at for our next show, but I’m also not sure I want to tell you anymore,” Beto said, taking a long drag of his hand-rolled cigarette.

“I mean, what would be the point? You clearly don’t even think about me ever.”

Beto has threatened to suspend his presidential campaign to work on his latest mixtape for you, but probably won’t until you stop responding to his texts.

Donald Trump Appoints ’91 Buick LeSabre to Secretary of Transportation



By David Colton

WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.

“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”

Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.

“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”

Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.

Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.

“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”