By David Colton
DOG CITY HALL — Last night, canine voters in the dog city cast
crucial votes in a runoff special election to determine who will be the next
top law enforcement officer in the county.
The election was heated until the very last moments of
Thursday night’s debate, when former Dog City Councilman Snoops the Basset
hound pointedly attacked his competitor, Holden the Golden Retreiver.
The following is a direct quote from one of last night’s
most crucial moments:
“Bark bark bark (My friend, colleague and competitor Dr.
Retriever); bark, bark (Has fundamentally misrepresented his interests and
goals); Bark, bark bark (to the good citizens of Dog City, and dog county at
large.) Bark. (Know that when you cast your votes tonight, you have the
opportunity to do so in the name of justice. That is all I ask of you. Thank
With that impassioned speech, Snoops tipped the scales just
enough in his favor to gain the terrier vote — the most moderate voting
demographic in Dog County.
The following is what the new chief detective’s publicist
said about the victory via e-mail:
Fuoiag parg;hgwjrorg apergyap
\gu39gk’ WRLGAUInj ahrg;nlgMkiv
(Once we received exit polling results for the terrier district, we were sure this would be a victory for Mr. Snoops and Dog City at large.)
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Uh oh! You, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, completely forgot to learn your Torah portion and your bar mitzvah is this Saturday! Can you memorize the whole thing before you step up onto the bimah?
By David Colton
DEKALB YMCA — Following a tumultuous week leading up to a potential announcement about his candidacy for president, former Vice President Joe Biden decided that Monday after school he’d teach himself a lesson.
The former VP famously threatened to “beat
the hell” out of President Trump for the president’s politically
inconsequential ‘grab her by the pussy’ comment, and said he is threatening
self-inflicted violence in order to hold himself to the same standard.
“I just hope the American voter base
holds me to the same standard they hold the President by voting for me anyway,”
said Biden, who hired “octagon girls” for the interpersonal battle.
Now, Biden, contemplating a presidential
run, is under fire for really fucking weird behavior toward a former Nevada
legislator, also happens to be an outspoken supporter of It’s On Us, where he
is said to have recently introduced controversial shampoo-oriented curriculum.
He said he won’t hold back against
himself this afternoon, when he plans to corner Joe after weekly badminton
“I think the American people deserve a
president who doesn’t compromise on something like this,” said Biden, who has
recently spoken about systemic racism but also spoke in favor of segregation in