Snoops the Basset Hound Named Chief Detective of Dog City

By David Colton

DOG CITY HALL — Last night, canine voters in the dog city cast crucial votes in a runoff special election to determine who will be the next top law enforcement officer in the county.

The election was heated until the very last moments of Thursday night’s debate, when former Dog City Councilman Snoops the Basset hound pointedly attacked his competitor, Holden the Golden Retreiver.

The following is a direct quote from one of last night’s most crucial moments:

“Bark bark bark (My friend, colleague and competitor Dr. Retriever); bark, bark (Has fundamentally misrepresented his interests and goals); Bark, bark bark (to the good citizens of Dog City, and dog county at large.) Bark. (Know that when you cast your votes tonight, you have the opportunity to do so in the name of justice. That is all I ask of you. Thank you.)”

With that impassioned speech, Snoops tipped the scales just enough in his favor to gain the terrier vote — the most moderate voting demographic in Dog County.

The following is what the new chief detective’s publicist said about the victory via e-mail:

            Fuoiag parg;hgwjrorg apergyap fakriguhi[[arjigkwrkjhj ds

\gu39gk’  WRLGAUInj ahrg;nlgMkiv dskjghhi;gaor;gjnlk.kjq3/jgk.qr

(Once we received exit polling results for the terrier district, we were sure this would be a victory for Mr. Snoops and Dog City at large.)

Camel Detective Has Hunch

By Mo Macsai-Goren

THE DESSERT – Discovering new evidence in the infamous 1993 Jensen homicide case, Camel detective Roger L. Hungus announced to the public that he would be reopening the case in an effort to chase his newfound hunch.

Hungus gained notoriety in the early 1990s for his tendency to disregard ample, pertinent evidence in exchange for sporadic instinctual feelings, mostly brought on by high doses of caffeine.

Although unorthodox, Hungus’ methods have led to convictions in over 550 homicide cases over the last 25 years. Desert Police Department Captain Sheldon O. Dune awarded Hungus with the Chadwick V. Grindle Medal, the DPD’s highest honor.

Those close to Hungus expect him to announce his retirement sometime in the next year in order to spend more time with his family and spiraling into deep state conspiracy theories disguised as evidence-based hunches.