Snoops the Basset Hound Named Chief Detective of Dog City

By David Colton

DOG CITY HALL — Last night, canine voters in the dog city cast crucial votes in a runoff special election to determine who will be the next top law enforcement officer in the county.

The election was heated until the very last moments of Thursday night’s debate, when former Dog City Councilman Snoops the Basset hound pointedly attacked his competitor, Holden the Golden Retreiver.

The following is a direct quote from one of last night’s most crucial moments:

“Bark bark bark (My friend, colleague and competitor Dr. Retriever); bark, bark (Has fundamentally misrepresented his interests and goals); Bark, bark bark (to the good citizens of Dog City, and dog county at large.) Bark. (Know that when you cast your votes tonight, you have the opportunity to do so in the name of justice. That is all I ask of you. Thank you.)”

With that impassioned speech, Snoops tipped the scales just enough in his favor to gain the terrier vote — the most moderate voting demographic in Dog County.

The following is what the new chief detective’s publicist said about the victory via e-mail:

            Fuoiag parg;hgwjrorg apergyap fakriguhi[[arjigkwrkjhj ds

\gu39gk’  WRLGAUInj ahrg;nlgMkiv dskjghhi;gaor;gjnlk.kjq3/jgk.qr

(Once we received exit polling results for the terrier district, we were sure this would be a victory for Mr. Snoops and Dog City at large.)

Beto O’Rourke Didn’t See You at His Gig Last Night

By David Colton

RANDY’S TAVERN — Even after delaying his set by 25 minutes and stopping the show several times in between Elliott Smith covers, Beto said after the show he was “like, majorly bummed” he didn’t see you in the crowd.

O’Rourke, who recently declared his candidacy for president, is best known for doing a poor job of riding a skateboard around a Whataburger parking lot in dress clothes.

None of this changes the fact that he planned a very specific set list because he thought you’d actually give a shit enough to show.

“What? You think I just decided to play mostly originals for no reason?” said Beto, who has never actually written any of his own songs.

“I un-learned six Phish songs for you.”

Although it is not clear why the former non-senator had to unlearn songs to include originals in his set, we figured we’d be better off just staying out of his way and let him sing other people’s songs.

“I’m not sure where we’ll be at for our next show, but I’m also not sure I want to tell you anymore,” Beto said, taking a long drag of his hand-rolled cigarette.

“I mean, what would be the point? You clearly don’t even think about me ever.”

Beto has threatened to suspend his presidential campaign to work on his latest mixtape for you, but probably won’t until you stop responding to his texts.

Time to Take a Stand: I’m Sick of My Body Wash Calling Me a “Gel Douche”

By David Colton

THE PROGRESSIVE FUTURE — As a cisgender straight white man whose parents pay for my college, I think it’s about time somebody asked me what I believe in.

Well, this is it.

After years of bomb-throwing and suppression from within the confines of my bathtub, I have finally decided enough is enough.

No matter which brand I have my mom buy when she visits me at school every three weekends, I can’t seem to avoid the judgement that comes from the label of each bottle of viscous, goopy blue fluid I squirt into my hand and rub on my body.

I am sick and tired of being judged every three days when I decide to shower, and until then, I have a big announcement to make.

I will be boycotting all soap until every brand officially signs my contingency agreement, which has officially been made public.

I have already launched a GoFundMe with a modest goal of $30,000, but I won’t stop there. I have what it takes to commit to my goals, and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way.

There aren’t many of us who are willing to stand up and say ‘Not today, soap corporations.’

I think it’s time that changed. I would also like to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee for potential candidacy for the presidency of Venezuela.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but expect to see a questionable and vague story about why my former aides loathe me in the very near future.

John Bolton Unmasked As Rogue Jeff Foxworthy

By David Colton

WASHINGTON — It turns out the National Security Adviser of the United States is not, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader.

“I know John, John is a good guy,” said President Donald Trump, enjoying a dinner of goldfish and fruit snacks. “Jeff is a good guy, you know, he’s a good guy. That’s what I said. Jeff is a good guy. That’s why I hired him in the first place, for that job.”

It appears the President is attempting to pass off the situation as if he hired former Golden Corral spokesman Jeff Foxworthy for the prestigious White House position on purpose.

“Well, you know, this whole thang is just a big ole doozy,” said Foxworthy, who had previously given no reason for appointing 12 charismatic ten-year-olds as National Security Aides.

“I just think we should all kick back, drink a couple mimosas and throw on some Tucker.”

It really seems like nobody is going to do anything about Jeff Foxworthy working in the White House.

“I think he’s a good guy, you know. He’s got a ton of experience with children, and I hear he works especially well with Hispanics,” said President Trump, sitting in an adult-sized high chair five inches from the television screen.

Jeff Foxworthy will resume talks with North Korea Monday as his “true self.” He said he plans to treat North Korean official Kim Yong Chol to a dinner of Ruby Tuesday’s, with dessert in the candy aisle of the neighboring Big Lots!

Chuck Schumer Delicately Places Contacts ¾ Of The Way Down Eyelids

By David Colton

CAPITOL HILL— Trying to showcase his ambitious, flirty side, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer decided Friday it was time to break with years of tradition.

Schumer, in the presence of a small crowd of awestruck librarians, gently undid the padlocks and removed the signature wire-rimmed glasses from his Nose Divot (patent pending).

Then, after returning his oculars to their Fuschsia velvet sheath, Schumer did the unthinkable.

He reached into his briefcase, extracted two loose contact lenses, and scampered off to the Minority Bathroom. It is unclear when the restrooms were labeled.

When he returned, he was almost unrecognizable.

Except, that is, for the signature eyewear placement that has given Schumer his shot at the big leagues.

The condescending 67-year-old made it abundantly clear that he still intended to glare disappointedly at colleagues over the rim of his contact lenses, which now lie perched ¾ of the way down his lids.

It remains unclear whether the glasses were uncomfortable for Sen. Schumer. Although, I suppose they probably were, since he took them off. But actually, the outer-eye contacts don’t look super comfortable either. I wonder if you could make glasses by threading fishing line through small holes in the contact lens. It’d probably be a little uncomfortable, but you could totally be wearing glasses and nobody would know. Except for the person who helped you make the glasses, because I assume it’s probably a two-person job.

Who are we talking about again?

Big Cow Turnout Wins South Dakota for Clinton

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by Garrett  Dvorkin

PIERRE, SD. – Clinton secured a surprise victory in “the Mount Rushmore state” as cows flocked to the polls to cast their votes for Clinton. South Dakota, a state whose human population was given a 96.7% chance by FiveThirtyEight.com, was completely outnumbered at the polls. The cows were given the right to vote July 18th when young Matthew Clark was “mayor of the day”.

South Dakota is one of nine states which cow population is greater than its human population. There are 844,877 humans in South Dakota, and over 3.6million cattle. In exit polls, 87.3% of the cattle cast their vote for Clinton, the other 12.3% voted for Gary Johnson due to his stance of the legalization of pot. Most of the fringe cow voters were turned away by Trump’s blatantly racism stances and sexist sentiment. One cow was interviewed saying “Trump called Hillary a cow, we took that as a sign for us cows to go to the polls.”trumpfarmer.jpg

Clinton, who wasn’t aware of the cattle vote oversight, was very appreciative in their exercising their right to vote, she was quoted:

“Well, it’s nice to know that we have hope in states like Wyoming and Montana, these states were thought to be too conservative to save, but with an cattle equality amendment, these states could become progressive.”

In response, trump immediately responded on twitter, firing back that “Crooked Hillary really did it this time, these cattle all are rapists and murders. This election was rigged #BultThatWall #LockHerUp”. Trump is encouraging the FBI to investigate the issue.

Federal Preserves Torn Between Strawberry, Peach For Next Fiscal Year

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – This week, in political news more interesting than the upcoming national circus, the Federal Preserves announced shocking news for the toast world.

Last year, the seven-person committee decided on Apricot, a flavor that sent the breakfast world into a frenzy.

“I just want something that I’m going to be able to put on cooked bread,” explains food consumer Jefferson Tonks, “I don’t know why there has to be one type of jelly for the entire year.”

Unfortunately, Tonks was unable to complete his interview, as he was promptly hit with a poison dart after saying the J-word in front of the executive board of Preserves.

“We really can’t risk another incident like the Grape strike of 2011,” explains CEO of Fruit Relations Fenton Berry, “the fruit community is still rattled from those riots.”

The Grape Strike is not more than a tiny example of the countless ridiculous shenanigans this (somehow) multi-faceted committee has caused in major U.S. cities.

Decision day is November 8, so be sure to get out there and vote for something that matters!

Rush Limbaugh to pursue new Zebra Cake-themed radio show

gty_rush_limbaugh_jef_120306_wblog.jpgBy David Colton

DARK FOREST—In an interesting turn of events, Rush Limbaugh has just announced the subject of his new radio show: Lil’ Debbie Zebra Cakes. Republicans say they expected a shift in topic from Limbaugh, but not one this extreme.

“I mean, I think we all knew Rush was going to do something controversial,” explains Senator Mike Huckabee, “I at least expected him to focus on something a little less intense, like Texas Toast.”

Limbaugh, however, was not to be rattled, as he has his own vision for the show and for America.

“Imagine a world where you can legally take up to 65 Zebra Cakes on an airplane,” states Limbaugh, “it’s about damn time people wake up in this country and see the things that can really help them.”

In regards to the Zebra Cake’s decline in popularity, Limbaugh said only “Yeah, well nuclear war isn’t popular either, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be awesome.”

The law, however revolutionary it may be, does have some restrictions.

“I don’t allow minorities to eat Zebra Cakes. It’s offensive to them. The white frosting drizzled on top of the chocolate frosting…just…so……perfectly. Anyway, I would know what offends other people, so you should trust me. After all, I did come up with the idea for a Zebra Cake talk show.”