Audi Debuts First Car with Fruit Leather Interior

By Mo Macsai-Goren

OLEY, PA – Causing quite a buzz at this year’s Deutsche Classic Automotive Show, spokespeople for Audi have announced their first model decked out from steering wheel to trunk in premium imported fruit leather.

The German auto-sport hegemon credited their decision to integrate high-quality dried fruit product into the seats, doors, and dashboards of their luxury automotive vehicles to their longtime business partnership with Freshstretch Organic Leather.

Given the increased pressure both companies have been under to reduce carbon emissions and promote eco-friendly and sustainable manufacturing, the decision was a no brainer.

“This has been in the works for a while,” Freshstretch CEO Corbin Sanz told Gatekeeper Reporters. “Our good friends at Audi have been nice enough to make us the exclusive supplier of high-quality fruit leather for their new line of sumptuous jalopies.”

Available this fall, the Audi F1 is expected to be incredibly sticky all the time and do very poorly in warm climates.

Federal Preserves Torn Between Strawberry, Peach For Next Fiscal Year

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – This week, in political news more interesting than the upcoming national circus, the Federal Preserves announced shocking news for the toast world.

Last year, the seven-person committee decided on Apricot, a flavor that sent the breakfast world into a frenzy.

“I just want something that I’m going to be able to put on cooked bread,” explains food consumer Jefferson Tonks, “I don’t know why there has to be one type of jelly for the entire year.”

Unfortunately, Tonks was unable to complete his interview, as he was promptly hit with a poison dart after saying the J-word in front of the executive board of Preserves.

“We really can’t risk another incident like the Grape strike of 2011,” explains CEO of Fruit Relations Fenton Berry, “the fruit community is still rattled from those riots.”

The Grape Strike is not more than a tiny example of the countless ridiculous shenanigans this (somehow) multi-faceted committee has caused in major U.S. cities.

Decision day is November 8, so be sure to get out there and vote for something that matters!