Attempt to Wash Vaseline Off Hands Only Makes Them Waterproof

By Mo Macsai-Goren

BATHROOM – Smearing his crusty digits with viscous petroleum jelly, Area teen Marcus Hamm began to panic when he realized the layer of Vaseline he applied to his flaking, shriveled hands would not come off.

Instead, the turbid, creamy ointment succeeded only in making his hands completely waterproof.

What started as an attempt to combat this winter’s bout of dry skin ended with Hamm breaking down on his bathroom floor as a mere shell of the man he once was. Hamm wept for hours, citing the fact that his hands will seemingly never be able to grip anything again.

“I’m ruined,” Hamm sobbed. “All I wanted was to moisturize my phalanges and now I can’t even grip the tap to turn the water off.

Hamm continued to sob as the sink began to overflow and soak into his gorgeous silk pajamas.

Experts estimate that the Vaseline will stay shellacked on Hamm’s hands until he decides he wants to absolutely destroy one of his families nice dish towels.

Time to Take a Stand: I’m Sick of My Body Wash Calling Me a “Gel Douche”

By David Colton

THE PROGRESSIVE FUTURE — As a cisgender straight white man whose parents pay for my college, I think it’s about time somebody asked me what I believe in.

Well, this is it.

After years of bomb-throwing and suppression from within the confines of my bathtub, I have finally decided enough is enough.

No matter which brand I have my mom buy when she visits me at school every three weekends, I can’t seem to avoid the judgement that comes from the label of each bottle of viscous, goopy blue fluid I squirt into my hand and rub on my body.

I am sick and tired of being judged every three days when I decide to shower, and until then, I have a big announcement to make.

I will be boycotting all soap until every brand officially signs my contingency agreement, which has officially been made public.

I have already launched a GoFundMe with a modest goal of $30,000, but I won’t stop there. I have what it takes to commit to my goals, and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way.

There aren’t many of us who are willing to stand up and say ‘Not today, soap corporations.’

I think it’s time that changed. I would also like to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee for potential candidacy for the presidency of Venezuela.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but expect to see a questionable and vague story about why my former aides loathe me in the very near future.

Johnson & Johnson Announce Addition of Coveted Third Johnson

By Mo Macsai-Goren

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Squashing rumors that their days of innovative thinking are over, a spokesperson for Johnson & Johnson has announced that the family company will be phasing in a third Johnson in 2020.

Expected to boost baby shampoo sales and literally nothing else, the addition of a third Johnson comes at a pivotal time for Johnson & Johnson. After last year’s disastrous baby powder sales numbers, CEO Johnson Johnson searched for a much-needed change.

“At first we thought about getting rid of a Johnson,” Johnson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Ultimately, we decided to add a third Johnson in an effort to boost sales. Will it work? Who knows, but I’m willing to bet people will love a third Johnson in their lives.”

At this time, Johnson has not ruled out the possibility of adding yet another Johnson to the signature red Johnson & Johnson & Johnson logo in the future.