By Mo Macsai-Goren
BATHROOM – Smearing his crusty digits with viscous petroleum jelly, Area teen Marcus Hamm began to panic when he realized the layer of Vaseline he applied to his flaking, shriveled hands would not come off.
Instead, the turbid, creamy ointment succeeded only in making his hands completely waterproof.
What started as an attempt to combat this winter’s bout of dry skin ended with Hamm breaking down on his bathroom floor as a mere shell of the man he once was. Hamm wept for hours, citing the fact that his hands will seemingly never be able to grip anything again.
“I’m ruined,” Hamm sobbed. “All I wanted was to moisturize my phalanges and now I can’t even grip the tap to turn the water off.
Hamm continued to sob as the sink began to overflow and soak into his gorgeous silk pajamas.
Experts estimate that the Vaseline will stay shellacked on Hamm’s hands until he decides he wants to absolutely destroy one of his families nice dish towels.