By Mo Macsai-Goren
BATHROOM – Smearing his crusty digits with viscous petroleum jelly, Area teen Marcus Hamm began to panic when he realized the layer of Vaseline he applied to his flaking, shriveled hands would not come off.
Instead, the turbid, creamy ointment succeeded only in making his hands completely waterproof.
What started as an attempt to combat this winter’s bout of dry skin ended with Hamm breaking down on his bathroom floor as a mere shell of the man he once was. Hamm wept for hours, citing the fact that his hands will seemingly never be able to grip anything again.
“I’m ruined,” Hamm sobbed. “All I wanted was to moisturize my phalanges and now I can’t even grip the tap to turn the water off.
Hamm continued to sob as the sink began to overflow and soak into his gorgeous silk pajamas.
Experts estimate that the Vaseline will stay shellacked on Hamm’s hands until he decides he wants to absolutely destroy one of his families nice dish towels.
By David Colton
MIDDLE SCHOOL – After several reports of prepubescent musings, sources confirmed Monday that Bobby Wallace, local teen, was seen walking in between classes with what witnesses described as a “legitimately disgusting” and “almost impressive” bulge.
“I was just going to math, and I turned the corner and bam! There it was, looking me square in the face,” explains other middle schooler Timmy Pants.
Wallace was said to be wearing athletic shorts that were clearly bought at Target, as the champion logo on the bottom of the shorts sat a bit farther than normal from his thigh.
“I don’t know what everyone keeps looking at,” explains Wallace, who might not even be wearing any underwear, “I know they’re cool shorts but they aren’t that cool!”
After 7th period, principal Jeffery Groin pulled Bobby into his office. The following interview material is a Gatekeeper exclusive:
PRINCIPAL GROIN: Bobby, do you know why you’re here?
BOBBY: Because I turned the water fountain around and made Lucy Thomas’ shirt see through?
PG: Actually no, but nice one. You’re here because you need to change your pants.
BOBBY: I haven’t done that since 2008, why should I do it now?
PG: Because you have a raging boner, son.
UPDATE: The problem has been mysteriously solved after the swim unit began Wednesday in gym class.