Athletic Shorts Not Doing 14-Year-Old Boy Any Favors

By David Colton

MIDDLE SCHOOL – After several reports of prepubescent musings, sources confirmed Monday that Bobby Wallace, local teen, was seen walking in between classes with what witnesses described as a “legitimately disgusting” and “almost impressive” bulge.

“I was just going to math, and I turned the corner and bam! There it was, looking me square in the face,” explains other middle schooler Timmy Pants.

Wallace was said to be wearing athletic shorts that were clearly bought at Target, as the champion logo on the bottom of the shorts sat a bit farther than normal from his thigh.

“I don’t know what everyone keeps looking at,” explains Wallace, who might not even be wearing any underwear, “I know they’re cool shorts but they aren’t that cool!”

After 7th period, principal Jeffery Groin pulled Bobby into his office. The following interview material is a Gatekeeper exclusive:

PRINCIPAL GROIN: Bobby, do you know why you’re here?

BOBBY: Because I turned the water fountain around and made Lucy Thomas’ shirt see through?

PG: Actually no, but nice one. You’re here because you need to change your pants.

BOBBY: I haven’t done that since 2008, why should I do it now?

PG: Because you have a raging boner, son.

UPDATE: The problem has been mysteriously solved after the swim unit began Wednesday in gym class.

Fifth-grader wins fucking medal for knowing what ‘sandbar’ is called

By David Colton

LAKE MICHIGAN – Minds were blown early Thursday morning as local elementary school student and wallball phenom Jake White somehow knew what the little shallow part 40 yards into the lake was called.

“He had to have said it at least five times before we were like, ‘do you want a fucking medal?’” explains Jake’s mother, Heather, “and he said yes, so we got him a medal!”

The White family, which is from Northbrook, IL, says they give little Jake whatever he asks for.

“When he pointed out to us that a Nerf gun could, in fact, shoot 20 feet, we gave him my parents’ retirement fund,” explains Jake’s father Nick.

However, Jake is showing no signs of slowing down his prodigal process, as he continues to tell everyone he sees what a sandbar is called.

Jake, 11, already puts gel in his hair and is the proud owner of a totally sick air soft gun. His interests include: doing tricks on his Razor scooter, watching the new Goosebumps movie starring Jack Black, and yelling at his parents.

Additionally, Jake has apparently kissed a girl on the cheek.

“He told me he did it, so I know it’s real,” expresses Jake’s classmate Jack.

When asked who the lucky girl was, Jake reportedly responded “just some broad,” so we know he’s actually cool.