Fifth-grader wins fucking medal for knowing what ‘sandbar’ is called

By David Colton

LAKE MICHIGAN – Minds were blown early Thursday morning as local elementary school student and wallball phenom Jake White somehow knew what the little shallow part 40 yards into the lake was called.

“He had to have said it at least five times before we were like, ‘do you want a fucking medal?’” explains Jake’s mother, Heather, “and he said yes, so we got him a medal!”

The White family, which is from Northbrook, IL, says they give little Jake whatever he asks for.

“When he pointed out to us that a Nerf gun could, in fact, shoot 20 feet, we gave him my parents’ retirement fund,” explains Jake’s father Nick.

However, Jake is showing no signs of slowing down his prodigal process, as he continues to tell everyone he sees what a sandbar is called.

Jake, 11, already puts gel in his hair and is the proud owner of a totally sick air soft gun. His interests include: doing tricks on his Razor scooter, watching the new Goosebumps movie starring Jack Black, and yelling at his parents.

Additionally, Jake has apparently kissed a girl on the cheek.

“He told me he did it, so I know it’s real,” expresses Jake’s classmate Jack.

When asked who the lucky girl was, Jake reportedly responded “just some broad,” so we know he’s actually cool.