By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL — Citing a lack of sunscreen that can be effectively applied to her eyelids, Janet Schuster spent $674 on sunglasses in a single trip to MyEyeDr. Friday.

These aren’t your run-of-the-mill, regular see-through sunglasses either.

According to Janet, every additional pair of prescription -3.8 glasses with polarized sun protection just adds to the distance from which she can make sure her son isn’t being excluded from sports games at the beach.

“With my new method of vision, I can be sure that my André is always a captain for sand baseball,” said Janet, who is 48 and strangely competitive about yoga. “I love new trends!”

André, who is 12 now, has officially established himself as the leader of the small group of sixth-grade boys. He said the key to his success is simple: cyberbully the weak.

Janet said she’s incredibly proud of little André, and even more proud of her husband, who owns and operates an Instagram account for his veganism.

For Janet, her sunglasses/ tinted telescope creation is just the beginning of how she will spend her days.

She already has plans in the works for a one-piece swimsuit you can wear to the store.