Mom Wearing Four Pairs of Prescription Sunglasses

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL — Citing a lack of sunscreen that can be effectively applied to her eyelids, Janet Schuster spent $674 on sunglasses in a single trip to MyEyeDr. Friday.

These aren’t your run-of-the-mill, regular see-through sunglasses either.

According to Janet, every additional pair of prescription -3.8 glasses with polarized sun protection just adds to the distance from which she can make sure her son isn’t being excluded from sports games at the beach.

“With my new method of vision, I can be sure that my André is always a captain for sand baseball,” said Janet, who is 48 and strangely competitive about yoga. “I love new trends!”

André, who is 12 now, has officially established himself as the leader of the small group of sixth-grade boys. He said the key to his success is simple: cyberbully the weak.

Janet said she’s incredibly proud of little André, and even more proud of her husband, who owns and operates an Instagram account for his veganism.

For Janet, her sunglasses/ tinted telescope creation is just the beginning of how she will spend her days.

She already has plans in the works for a one-piece swimsuit you can wear to the store.

Man who is forced to breathe through an oxygen tank goes on radical underwater journey


By David Colton

PACIFIC OCEAN – Local elderly man and potential warlock Ernest Goodrich has struggled with breathing ever since he was diagnosed with solid blood syndrome (SBS), a rare and terrifying condition.

However, Ernest is making the most out of his SBS-riddled life.

“They gave me this oxygen tank, and put it through my nose and stuff,” says Goodrich, 75, “honestly that’s what inspired me to go on a sick aquatic journey in the first place.”

Goodrich has always had a passion for the water, as he used to be an ‘enhanced interrogator’ for the United States Government.

“Having that job really opened my eyes to what kind of awesome shit you’d be able to do if you could breathe underwater,” explains Goodrich, “and next thing you know—bam! My blood turns solid.”

Goodrich, who is somehow still alive, was given an oxygen tank to assist his breathing, although his doctor was quoted as saying “That’s not going to help you at all.”

Goodrich has continued to reiterate how radical it would be if he took his oxygen tank into the ocean, and is standing curiously close to the edge of the water.

“I mean, think about it dude, there’s enough oxygen in here for like, a year,” points out Goodrich, “I could grow gills and join a family of fish.”

As Goodrich readies himself for the perils of the deep-sea pacific ocean, he has continued to focus on the positives to his SBS.

“Honestly, I’ll probably sink a lot faster in the water, so that’ll work to my advantage. I just can’t wait to see the Titanic!” continued Goodrich, who knows less and less about what’s going on as each minute passes.


UPDATE: Goodrich has not been alive for three years. Who is this man?