By David Colton

PACIFIC OCEAN – Local elderly man and potential warlock Ernest Goodrich has struggled with breathing ever since he was diagnosed with solid blood syndrome (SBS), a rare and terrifying condition.

However, Ernest is making the most out of his SBS-riddled life.

“They gave me this oxygen tank, and put it through my nose and stuff,” says Goodrich, 75, “honestly that’s what inspired me to go on a sick aquatic journey in the first place.”

Goodrich has always had a passion for the water, as he used to be an ‘enhanced interrogator’ for the United States Government.

“Having that job really opened my eyes to what kind of awesome shit you’d be able to do if you could breathe underwater,” explains Goodrich, “and next thing you know—bam! My blood turns solid.”

Goodrich, who is somehow still alive, was given an oxygen tank to assist his breathing, although his doctor was quoted as saying “That’s not going to help you at all.”

Goodrich has continued to reiterate how radical it would be if he took his oxygen tank into the ocean, and is standing curiously close to the edge of the water.

“I mean, think about it dude, there’s enough oxygen in here for like, a year,” points out Goodrich, “I could grow gills and join a family of fish.”

As Goodrich readies himself for the perils of the deep-sea pacific ocean, he has continued to focus on the positives to his SBS.

“Honestly, I’ll probably sink a lot faster in the water, so that’ll work to my advantage. I just can’t wait to see the Titanic!” continued Goodrich, who knows less and less about what’s going on as each minute passes.

UPDATE: Goodrich has not been alive for three years. Who is this man?