By David Colton
THE PROGRESSIVE FUTURE — As a cisgender straight white man whose parents pay for my college, I think it’s about time somebody asked me what I believe in.
Well, this is it.
After years of bomb-throwing and suppression from within the confines of my bathtub, I have finally decided enough is enough.
No matter which brand I have my mom buy when she visits me at school every three weekends, I can’t seem to avoid the judgement that comes from the label of each bottle of viscous, goopy blue fluid I squirt into my hand and rub on my body.
I am sick and tired of being judged every three days when I decide to shower, and until then, I have a big announcement to make.
I will be boycotting all soap until every brand officially signs my contingency agreement, which has officially been made public.
I have already launched a GoFundMe with a modest goal of $30,000, but I won’t stop there. I have what it takes to commit to my goals, and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way.
There aren’t many of us who are willing to stand up and say ‘Not today, soap corporations.’
I think it’s time that changed. I would also like to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee for potential candidacy for the presidency of Venezuela.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but expect to see a questionable and vague story about why my former aides loathe me in the very near future.