Facebook – The Gatekeeper

By Mo Macsai-Goren

INDIANAPOLIS – Struggling to make ends meet with his debut album “Trap Smear,” local rapper Trilliam H. Macy unveiled what was clearly a pyramid scheme to his 63 loyal followers on Facebook last week.

Macy, now six years out of high school, hopes that his new business venture will generate enough revenue for him to be the first person in history to buy a subscription to SoundCloud Pro.

“My new company is called ‘The Works,’” Macy said. “We sell everything from vague nutritional supplements to athletic wear that disintegrates immediately. Are you interested in becoming an ambassador? I only need $49 as a down payment…” Despite Macy’s efforts, he is still the sole team member at ‘The Works.’

Tanner Brewer, a former high school classmate of Macy’s sat down with Gatekeeper reporters to discuss the local rapper’s latest entrepreneurial quest.

“Well, it was one thing in high school, when he just wanted us to listen to his shitty music,” Brewer said. “But now that he’s shoving products like ‘pulverized marrow pods’ and ‘supple açaí exfoliant’ down our throats? I think it’s time to finally cut ties with that dude.”

Brewer expressed his concern for Macy while discretely unfollowing him on every social media platform.

Macy has yet to release a statement regarding Macy, among most of his friends from high school, completely abandoning him in his efforts to blatantly scam people on the internet.

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PHOENIX – Squashing rumors that he is wholly illiterate, local Phoenician Travis Evans reassured his close friends that his facts about immigration reform were, in fact, based on a newspaper article he read.

Upon further review, a special Gatekeeper investigation has found that Evans sourced his information from a thirty-second video that appeared on his Facebook feed late Sunday night.

The video in question comes from PolitiCool, a conservative media company that attempt to keep its viewers up to date with American politics via short social media videos set to elevator music.

Despite Evans’ assertions that his information came directly from “either The New York Times or Wall Street Journal,” all of his factual information was sourced from extra large subtitles slowly superimposed over the PolitiCool video. It should be noted that some words in these subtitles arbitrarily bolded.

At this time, investigators are unsure if Evans even listened to the audio.

Tag: Facebook

Rapper From High School Drops New Pyramid Scheme

‘I Read About That,’ Says Man Who Watched Video About That