Intern Refuses To Stop Wearing Company Lanyard

By David Colton

NEW YORK — A group of wealthy white finance associates were treated to an incredible networking opportunity during Monday happy hour at DELV3, a rooftop club/ Michelin-rated restaurant.

“Everyone was chilling, you know, normal stuff, just taking pictures of ourselves and the food and drinks,” said Kev Dowler, up-and-coming entrepreneur and part-time Joseph A. Bank employee.

“Then we saw that kid Roland show up with his lanyard still around his neck, and we knew he had the potential to be one of us.”

Kev and the Patagonia boys — or as they refer to themselves, the ‘gonia boys — decided to induct Roland into their ranks Monday night.

They held a brief-yet-brutal hazing ceremony in which Roland was forced to carry on a conversation for ten minutes without mentioning his internship.

“It’s an extensive process, that’s for sure,” Kev said as he blew fat clouds, “always separates the men from the boys. Luckily, he’ll never have to do that again.”

22-year-old Roland Wilkesbury is a nice boy from the Midwest. He likes road trips and dairy.  

Roland, who just finished his big first day at Lehman Brothers, couldn’t have been happier to find people who share his interests.

“So, this is the place to be, huh?” said Roland, who by the end of the evening remained the only person to dance to the sound of very loud dance music, “Look! Someone else is wearing a light blue button-down and jeans. Now’s my chance.”

Roland, who was never able to work his way up to the bar for a drink, said he was glad to see so many different types of cologne applied excessively in one place.

“I almost feel for the pathetic piece of human trash,” Dowler said, stopping intermittently to sip his $26 Dark & Stormy, “It’s clear to me he doesn’t know the common etiquette.”

Dowler revealed to the Gatekeeper team that a citywide ordinance, put into effect at some point around 2014, requires all white men between the ages of 21 and 24 to wear khakis and a ‘gonia at every bar, with the lanyard draped out of the khaki pocket — company logo visible.

‘I Read About That,’ Says Man Who Watched Video About That

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PHOENIX – Squashing rumors that he is wholly illiterate, local Phoenician Travis Evans reassured his close friends that his facts about immigration reform were, in fact, based on a newspaper article he read.

Upon further review, a special Gatekeeper investigation has found that Evans sourced his information from a thirty-second video that appeared on his Facebook feed late Sunday night.

The video in question comes from PolitiCool, a conservative media company that attempt to keep its viewers up to date with American politics via short social media videos set to elevator music.

Despite Evans’ assertions that his information came directly from “either The New York Times or Wall Street Journal,” all of his factual information was sourced from extra large subtitles slowly superimposed over the PolitiCool video. It should be noted that some words in these subtitles arbitrarily bolded.

At this time, investigators are unsure if Evans even listened to the audio.