Man Refusing to Sit in Front of Uber in Case Anyone Mistakes Him and Driver as Equals

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Asserting his dominance over the hardworking Uber driver who picked him up from yet another long day at Deutsche Bank, area man Chris Cox refused to sit shotgun on his hour-long ride home. Citing his distain of being seen as equal to his driver, Cox flung his briefcase against the opposite side of the car before sitting and repeatedly calling the driver “buddy” or “big guy.” While Cox Ubers to and from his job as a financial strategist at Deutsche bank every single day, he has yet to sit next to the driver, even in an otherwise-full Uber Pool. According to his passenger reviews, Cox has been known to request that fellow Uber Pool passengers relocate to the front seat so he can maintain the illusion that he is in an episode of Succession. He has been known to ask the driver to close the partition despite riding primarily in PT Cruisers and Kia Sorentos. Sources close to Cox have said that he has always been terrified of being perceived as equal in status to service industry workers, despite never having worked in the industry himself. When asked why he also refuses to tip servers and drivers, Cox expressed deep concern and asked why he would give shell out more money for someone who is just “doing their job.”

9 Incredible Business Ideas That Are The New York Sock Exchange

By David Colton

  1. The New York Sock Exchange

Just think about the possibilities. We could regulate our currency into a well-woven, fabric-based system that benefits everyone. Riddle me this: Who wants to live a life without socks? Not me, and not most people! Let us expand the potential for the future of feet!

2. The NYSE (New York Sock Exchange)

This is an idea I’ve been really excited to share for some time now. I don’t want to jinx it or anything like that, but I think this could be… big. So get this: You know the New York Stock Exchange? Where they make many phone calls at once and talk about buying and selling money? Picture that, but with socks. I know, right?

3. The Sock Exchange (New York)

So this is a branch off of one of my original ideas, which was a gated community built exclusively and especially for sock enthusiasts, with a full-on recreation center and weekly sock exchanges on Saturday mornings. I got to thinking, where do most sock people live? New York. What do people like to do in New York? Exchange goods. Bingo.

4. The Soque Exchange of New York

This is an urban concept I’ve been toying with since my most recent physiological era. Many unique wonders of the world come together in the transcendent metropolis that is New York, and it is my belief that the fullest potential of that transcendental approximation should be established and appropriated at any cost.

5. The Newark Sock Exchange

So clearly this exchange is a bit smaller and less important than the others, and it’s more of a backseat idea of mine to be honest. But I guess I’ll lay out the basics. Where do I start? It’s your basic everyday sock exchange — mainly whites, but a decent number of neon and brown socks as well. That is, of course, what the region is known for in sock terms,

6. New York Smock Exchange

It’s relatively self-explanatory, but based on some preliminary research we have come to the conclusion that there is a market for a well-regulated smock network that would play host to some consumers with seriously deep pockets.

7. Socke Exchange of Olde Yorke

A wee town of cobblers in upstate New York would likely appreciate this conceptual medieval exchange market. This exchange would be similar to the olympic village in a lot of ways, except set in the year 1568. A full-on resort would be based around the daily exchange, which of course exclusively involved knittings of the towne children.

8. New York State of Socks (Exchange)

I wrote and recorded the first demos of this single over two years ago, but it still hasn’t hit the light of day. My manager says he’s still shopping it around to all of the biggest agents, but he’s still looking for the best job for me. I think he’s just hitting on me. My song is a hit.

9. Socks 4 Gold

Funny story, the first time I ever realized that socks would be the ideal universal currency for all of humanity was actually because I passed one of those “Cash 4 Gold” places on Broadway and I realized ‘cash? Who the heck wants cash? They should do Socks 4 Gold instead.’ So I feel like once we establish the whole ‘socks are the new currency’ thing this could definitely turn out to be a worthy business venture.

Whiteboard Privileges Abused

By David Colton

SAN FRANCISCO — It was Darren Guff’s first day at a new job. He had finally made it out of his childhood bedroom and into the corporate world, and nothing could stop him.

That is, except a small amount of responsibility.

“One of the first things they told me after hiring me was that I get to use the whiteboard for business purposes,” said Darren Guff, who unofficially majored in social media six years ago.

“I was like, score.”

It seems as though Darren’s employers have yet to notice his mural in the third floor conference room, but they are all but certain to stumble upon it when it comes time for their 2:35 briefing.

Of course, Darren doesn’t know any of these details, because they were included in the employee handbook he received upon getting hired.

Instead, Guff has decided to make it a point to put a different message on each whiteboard. He said it’s part of an overarching plan to get women to talk to him.

“Okay, so hear me out,” said Darren, whose parents clearly didn’t love him enough, “I display these steamy messages in conference rooms throughout the office. Women see them and think ‘whose sexy handwriting is that?’ Then, I invite all the women in the office to a handwriting seminar where I put my own handwriting up on screen and they all orgasm!”

Darren Guff was fired today. Despite several complaints from every single woman in the office, management documented Darren’s departure as a “mutual separation based on the financial standing of both parties.” He’ll likely return to Buffalo Wild Wings to blow some more of his mom’s money

Intern Refuses To Stop Wearing Company Lanyard

By David Colton

NEW YORK — A group of wealthy white finance associates were treated to an incredible networking opportunity during Monday happy hour at DELV3, a rooftop club/ Michelin-rated restaurant.

“Everyone was chilling, you know, normal stuff, just taking pictures of ourselves and the food and drinks,” said Kev Dowler, up-and-coming entrepreneur and part-time Joseph A. Bank employee.

“Then we saw that kid Roland show up with his lanyard still around his neck, and we knew he had the potential to be one of us.”

Kev and the Patagonia boys — or as they refer to themselves, the ‘gonia boys — decided to induct Roland into their ranks Monday night.

They held a brief-yet-brutal hazing ceremony in which Roland was forced to carry on a conversation for ten minutes without mentioning his internship.

“It’s an extensive process, that’s for sure,” Kev said as he blew fat clouds, “always separates the men from the boys. Luckily, he’ll never have to do that again.”

22-year-old Roland Wilkesbury is a nice boy from the Midwest. He likes road trips and dairy.  

Roland, who just finished his big first day at Lehman Brothers, couldn’t have been happier to find people who share his interests.

“So, this is the place to be, huh?” said Roland, who by the end of the evening remained the only person to dance to the sound of very loud dance music, “Look! Someone else is wearing a light blue button-down and jeans. Now’s my chance.”

Roland, who was never able to work his way up to the bar for a drink, said he was glad to see so many different types of cologne applied excessively in one place.

“I almost feel for the pathetic piece of human trash,” Dowler said, stopping intermittently to sip his $26 Dark & Stormy, “It’s clear to me he doesn’t know the common etiquette.”

Dowler revealed to the Gatekeeper team that a citywide ordinance, put into effect at some point around 2014, requires all white men between the ages of 21 and 24 to wear khakis and a ‘gonia at every bar, with the lanyard draped out of the khaki pocket — company logo visible.