By David Colton

SAN FRANCISCO — It was Darren Guff’s first day at a new job. He had finally made it out of his childhood bedroom and into the corporate world, and nothing could stop him.

That is, except a small amount of responsibility.

“One of the first things they told me after hiring me was that I get to use the whiteboard for business purposes,” said Darren Guff, who unofficially majored in social media six years ago.

“I was like, score.”

It seems as though Darren’s employers have yet to notice his mural in the third floor conference room, but they are all but certain to stumble upon it when it comes time for their 2:35 briefing.

Of course, Darren doesn’t know any of these details, because they were included in the employee handbook he received upon getting hired.

Instead, Guff has decided to make it a point to put a different message on each whiteboard. He said it’s part of an overarching plan to get women to talk to him.

“Okay, so hear me out,” said Darren, whose parents clearly didn’t love him enough, “I display these steamy messages in conference rooms throughout the office. Women see them and think ‘whose sexy handwriting is that?’ Then, I invite all the women in the office to a handwriting seminar where I put my own handwriting up on screen and they all orgasm!”

Darren Guff was fired today. Despite several complaints from every single woman in the office, management documented Darren’s departure as a “mutual separation based on the financial standing of both parties.” He’ll likely return to Buffalo Wild Wings to blow some more of his mom’s money