office – The Gatekeeper

Ugly Man Fired

June 28, 2019Posted in LocalTagged fired, loser, man, office, sacked, unemployedLeave a comment

By David Colton

OMAHA — Carl Delores Brown was more than happy to accept his first full-time job 15 years ago when he walked through the doors of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation.

He was coming off of an interesting period in grad school, full of experiential journeys and sexual exploration.

Of course, Carl was homeschooled through grad school and is still struggling to pay off a mountain of debt, largely from this graduate program.

When Carl began as a receptionist at Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig, he felt like the possibilities were endless.

“We fired Carl for a true myriad of reasons,” said Gregory Herman, founding member of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation. “If I had to choose one thing though, it was his physical appearance that made me want to get rid of him.”

While it’s clear that Carl has no sense of style or genetics, he says it seems unfair to him that he should lose his 15-year tenure and all of his health benefits just because he ran out of tissues that one time.

The company released a written statement regarding Carl’s employment status:

Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation is in no way responsible or liable for the status of this man’s life. He made our days longer and worse, and he made all of us sad by attacking us with his sad stories of getting cheated on and divorced and losing custody of his children. If you see this man on the street, try your best not to verbally berate him— but if you do, we understand.

“I put in the work for 15 years, and this is how they repay me?” Carl said, unintentionally walking past a mirror where he was stopped in his tracks. “Actually, yeah, I get it.”

Whiteboard Privileges Abused

April 16, 2019Posted in business, LocalTagged business, corporate, corporations, darren, economics, finance, hiring, idiot, office, privilege, toxic masculinity, white privilege, whiteboard, workplaceLeave a comment

By David Colton

SAN FRANCISCO — It was Darren Guff’s first day at a new job. He had finally made it out of his childhood bedroom and into the corporate world, and nothing could stop him.

That is, except a small amount of responsibility.

“One of the first things they told me after hiring me was that I get to use the whiteboard for business purposes,” said Darren Guff, who unofficially majored in social media six years ago.

“I was like, score.”

It seems as though Darren’s employers have yet to notice his mural in the third floor conference room, but they are all but certain to stumble upon it when it comes time for their 2:35 briefing.

Of course, Darren doesn’t know any of these details, because they were included in the employee handbook he received upon getting hired.

Instead, Guff has decided to make it a point to put a different message on each whiteboard. He said it’s part of an overarching plan to get women to talk to him.

“Okay, so hear me out,” said Darren, whose parents clearly didn’t love him enough, “I display these steamy messages in conference rooms throughout the office. Women see them and think ‘whose sexy handwriting is that?’ Then, I invite all the women in the office to a handwriting seminar where I put my own handwriting up on screen and they all orgasm!”

Darren Guff was fired today. Despite several complaints from every single woman in the office, management documented Darren’s departure as a “mutual separation based on the financial standing of both parties.” He’ll likely return to Buffalo Wild Wings to blow some more of his mom’s money

Chair With Wheels Easily Best Part About Mom’s Office

December 26, 2016January 12, 2017Posted in UncategorizedTagged chair, desk, fun time, funny, mizzou, office, satire, spinny, wheelsLeave a comment

By David Colton

NORMAL, IL – Following several trips around the small grey building, reports confirmed Wednesday that the spinny chair in Mom’s office was easily the most entertaining part of the windowless maze of cubicles.

The reports discovered that despite the presence of a small, sad café in the lobby of the building, as well as a Ferrari calendar in Derek’s cubicle, the chair presented the most entertaining option.

“Honey, why don’t you and Derek take turns spinning each other in the chair?” says Mom, who constantly deflects questions about Derek’s status as ‘new dad.’

Derek, who says his hair loss is genetic and he can’t do anything about it, doesn’t want to spin too fast or else he may throw up.

“I don’t get what the big deal is, I get motion sickness very easily,” explains Derek, “but I’ll still have a fun time with the kiddo.”

After four hours spinning on the chair, Derek insisted we look through pictures of his old family, as well as play with his minor-league bobbleheads.

”I love these things,” says Derek, gesturing to an unnamed player from the Kane County Cougars, “The admission to the game is a little steep, but they make up for it every time with these bad boys.”