Ugly Man Fired

By David Colton

OMAHA — Carl Delores Brown was more than happy to accept his first full-time job 15 years ago when he walked through the doors of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation.

He was coming off of an interesting period in grad school, full of experiential journeys and sexual exploration.

Of course, Carl was homeschooled through grad school and is still struggling to pay off a mountain of debt, largely from this graduate program.

When Carl began as a receptionist at Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig, he felt like the possibilities were endless.

“We fired Carl for a true myriad of reasons,” said Gregory Herman, founding member of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation. “If I had to choose one thing though, it was his physical appearance that made me want to get rid of him.”

While it’s clear that Carl has no sense of style or genetics, he says it seems unfair to him that he should lose his 15-year tenure and all of his health benefits just because he ran out of tissues that one time.

The company released a written statement regarding Carl’s employment status:

Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation is in no way responsible or liable for the status of this man’s life. He made our days longer and worse, and he made all of us sad by attacking us with his sad stories of getting cheated on and divorced and losing custody of his children. If you see this man on the street, try your best not to verbally berate him— but if you do, we understand.

“I put in the work for 15 years, and this is how they repay me?” Carl said, unintentionally walking past a mirror where he was stopped in his tracks. “Actually, yeah, I get it.”

The Next Gottlob Frege? Robbie Just Completed One Side of a Rubik’s Cube

By Gill Hurtig

EAST LANSING, MI – Robbie Daniels, fourth grader at Glencairn Elementary school was a middle-of-the-pack student, underwhelming in the eyes of the girls in his class, and an all-around forgettable personality.

But all of that changed when Robbie brought his Rubix cube to school last Tuesday.

Against all odds, Robbie completed the blue side of the coveted puzzle cube in front of his classmates at show-and-tell. The event lasted a show-and-tell record 46 minutes while Robbie shaped and reshaped his cube at the front of the room—but all was worthwhile in the end. Robbie, who has received numerous requests from peers to finish a side for them, has since whittled down that time to 31 minutes and has garnered a deep respect from both teachers and classmates alike.

When asked to comment, Robbie explained: “Pick any color. I can do any of the colors.”

An updated story says that Robbie can now complete one whole side and also get the middle stripe of a second side. Needless to say, the world can expect big things from Robbie Daniels.

Little Brother Might Actually Be Hurt, Apparently

By David Colton

LEXINGTON, KY — Depending on who you ask, there are a multitude of different ways little Johnny Plunkett could have ended up crumpled and wailing in a ball on the woodchips.

In the eyes of little Johnny, only one thing is certain: If he tells mom and dad, he’s toast.

“He said he wanted to go on the swings, so I gave him a big push like he asked for,” said Tyler, Johnny’s older brother and record holder for girls kissed in the seventh grade.

“If he wants to cry and be a wuss about it, he won’t learn what it means to be a true man.”

According to nearby playground patrons, Johnny flew close to 15 feet in the air after Tyler did one of his notoriously powerful “underdog” pushes.

“He, when he went on the swings, he swinged really high,” said Sally Trunks, local 3-year-old and recent graduate of Pull-Ups academy.

Despite his reluctance to do so, it appears Tyler will inform authorities that Johnny swinged too high, and now his leg has a woodchip in it.

Tyler’s parents were unavailable for comment after information became public suggesting they were filming the whole thing and jeering little Johnny when he “totally ate shit.”

“That little dweeb sure can fly,” said Dex, the boys’ father and owner of the West Eastern Dojo.

“Once that woodchip sinks in, his transformation into a wood nymph will officially have begun, and he will begin the spell-casting process.”

Prince Harry Demands UK Ban Fortnite Until He Learns New Map Updates

By David Colton

NAN’S BASEMENT — Finishing a crumb-heavy snack of old Bugles and mayo, Henry Charles Albert David, also known as Prince Harry, had a full-on meltdown over Fortnite.

“Nobody shall be allowed to play until I completely master the v8.20 update,” said Prince Harry, speaking to an empty parlor except for the Queen, “And nobody shall kill me without giving me proper time to react!”

Even Queen Elizabeth II said she can’t believe it’s taking him this long to master Builder Pro.

“This buffoon still doesn’t know how to navigate Tilted Towers,” said the Queen, who has already moved on to ‘Apex Legends,’ “It’s no surprise he wants to stop all of the little kiddies from winning.”

Unfortunately, Prince Harry said, there’s just no way around making everyone quit until he can win.

“I just keep getting murdered by these complete cheaters,” said Harry, who still hasn’t met his daughter since season 8 began.

 “It’s honestly so unfair, and they’re usually a bunch of Rust Lords,” Harry said, referring to a low-level skin that only complete n00bs wear.

It is unclear if he will be present for the birth of his second child at this time.

Existential Crisis Put on Hold For Spring Break

By Dovis Macson-Coltai

CANCUN – Hopelessly trying to make beer pong shots before the nihilistic dread from last week came rushing back in, University of Arizona senior Tyler Cuncke reminded himself that this week was about having fun.

“I just knew that in order to be officially considered a naturalized American citizen, I had to learn to crush brews,” said Cuncke, who was interviewed as practice for a potential PR internship, “It’s all about reaching out, touching base and putting our heads together.”

The fifth-year junior and all-around fraternity legend had previously decided to put his ongoing existential crisis on pause to enjoy the cornucopia of pleasurable sin that spring break in Cancun had in store.

“Instead of thinking about my lack of job prospects or the fact that I’m costing my parents a hundred thousand extra dollars so I can finish Intro to Ceramics, I just think about Fireball,” Cunke said.

“Who needs future plans when I have a Tapout shirt and enough tequila in me to enjoy Pitbull?”

Mr. Worldwide, although he wasn’t there physically, was sure to attend the conference in spirit, speaking via WhatsApp on behalf of every single person with a calf/forearm tattoo.

“Follow the ink, baby,” said Pitbull, speaking from an Oakley Enthusiast group meeting in Reno, “It’s all about those mid-muscle portrayals, you know what I’m saying?”

Various staff members at the all-inclusive beachside resort Cunke and his cohorts decided they would ruin this week, and reported seeing him weeping over the continental breakfast before composing himself, unbuttoning his entire shirt, and pounding Bud Light Lime(s).