By David Colton
BRITISH HOSPITAL — Cameras flashed and cheers echoed through
the streets of London this morning as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle welcomed a
royal baby into the world.
Everyone was thrilled — that is, everyone except the Duchess
of Sussex herself. For her, this was the worst-case scenario.
When the nurse stood up with the newborn for the first time,
he had a puzzled look on his face. For Meghan, she knew exactly what that
meant: her baby looked like Barry Manilow.
She immediately told Harry that she didn’t know how this was
possible — she had never even heard “Copacabana” or seen the music video.
For Harry, it was a dream come true.
“This… is the best day of my life,” said the Duke of Sussex,
who left his wife with their newborn while he went to rummage through his
parents’ basement for his original 7” pressing of “Mandy.”
Harry pushed his way through a barrage of reporters on the
way out of the hospital, sprinting whenever he had the chance.
He said he’s never felt more motivated to find or do
anything in his entire life.
By David Colton
NAN’S BASEMENT — Finishing a crumb-heavy snack of old Bugles
and mayo, Henry Charles Albert David, also known as
Prince Harry, had a full-on meltdown over Fortnite.
“Nobody shall be allowed to play until I completely master
the v8.20 update,” said Prince Harry, speaking to an empty parlor except for
the Queen, “And nobody shall kill me without giving me proper time to react!”
Even Queen Elizabeth II said she can’t believe it’s taking
him this long to master Builder Pro.
“This buffoon still doesn’t know how to navigate Tilted
Towers,” said the Queen, who has already moved on to ‘Apex Legends,’ “It’s no
surprise he wants to stop all of the little kiddies from winning.”
Unfortunately, Prince Harry said, there’s just no way around
making everyone quit until he can win.
“I just keep getting murdered by these complete cheaters,”
said Harry, who still hasn’t met his daughter since season 8 began.
“It’s honestly so
unfair, and they’re usually a bunch of Rust Lords,” Harry said, referring to a
low-level skin that only complete n00bs wear.
It is unclear if he will be present for the birth of his
second child at this time.