Meghan Markle Panicking as Royal Baby Bears Striking Resemblance to Barry Manilow

By David Colton

BRITISH HOSPITAL — Cameras flashed and cheers echoed through the streets of London this morning as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle welcomed a royal baby into the world.

Everyone was thrilled — that is, everyone except the Duchess of Sussex herself. For her, this was the worst-case scenario.

When the nurse stood up with the newborn for the first time, he had a puzzled look on his face. For Meghan, she knew exactly what that meant: her baby looked like Barry Manilow.

She immediately told Harry that she didn’t know how this was possible — she had never even heard “Copacabana” or seen the music video.

For Harry, it was a dream come true.

“This… is the best day of my life,” said the Duke of Sussex, who left his wife with their newborn while he went to rummage through his parents’ basement for his original 7” pressing of “Mandy.”

Harry pushed his way through a barrage of reporters on the way out of the hospital, sprinting whenever he had the chance.

He said he’s never felt more motivated to find or do anything in his entire life.

Prince Harry Demands UK Ban Fortnite Until He Learns New Map Updates

By David Colton

NAN’S BASEMENT — Finishing a crumb-heavy snack of old Bugles and mayo, Henry Charles Albert David, also known as Prince Harry, had a full-on meltdown over Fortnite.

“Nobody shall be allowed to play until I completely master the v8.20 update,” said Prince Harry, speaking to an empty parlor except for the Queen, “And nobody shall kill me without giving me proper time to react!”

Even Queen Elizabeth II said she can’t believe it’s taking him this long to master Builder Pro.

“This buffoon still doesn’t know how to navigate Tilted Towers,” said the Queen, who has already moved on to ‘Apex Legends,’ “It’s no surprise he wants to stop all of the little kiddies from winning.”

Unfortunately, Prince Harry said, there’s just no way around making everyone quit until he can win.

“I just keep getting murdered by these complete cheaters,” said Harry, who still hasn’t met his daughter since season 8 began.

 “It’s honestly so unfair, and they’re usually a bunch of Rust Lords,” Harry said, referring to a low-level skin that only complete n00bs wear.

It is unclear if he will be present for the birth of his second child at this time.