By David Colton
THE WATER — When FinTech Corp. revealed it had indisputible evidence that sharks were sentient beings and wanted to learn to use smartphone apps last year, many skeptics were doubtful.
Last week the Gwyneth Paltrow-funded company unveiled revolutionary technology that experts are saying could define the future of aquatic relationships.
The app is called “Byte.”
“Through our research, we discovered the full scope of shark sexuality,” said Therman Pummels, strange man and shark porn expert, “Two weeks later, ‘Byte’ was conceived.”
In the initial test stages, the researchers created their own profiles to test the sexual tendencies of the world’s favorite water predators. Of course, because they are human, they disguised their profiles to look like sharks.
Quickly, the researchers began to notice a response unlike any they had ever seen. Overwhelmingly, the sharks who paid the $5.99 monthly fee for the service responded more positively to the profiles of humans on surfboards than to other sharks themselves.
This tendency was true of all shark species regardless of sexual orientation — and it had some unlikely consequences.
Matthew Warbles is the president of Hammerhead, a society that promotes human-shark relationships.
“We’re just happy somebody finally made an app for this,” said Warbles, who spends most of his time in an armchair, “We’ve been writing letters about this for years.”
‘Byte’ is now #5 on the App Store.
By David Colton
DAVENPORT, IA — More than two years after returning from his study abroad trip to Barcelona, Jeremy Foitle still stands by his decision to bring back as many coins as he could.
Although he says most of them reside in a specific corner on the top of his dresser, Jeremy makes sure to always keep some coins on him for publicity reasons.
“You just never know when you’ll meet someone who appreciates that one coin can hold two dollars,” said Jeremy, who still hasn’t bothered to find out what the coins are called.
Jeremy confirmed that he plans to use the coins for several purposes, including showing off to fellow coin enthusiasts and potentially even exchanging them for a good or service.
Namely, Jeremy has pointed out repeatedly that the “2 dollar one” is exactly the price of a bottle of “Spanish water.”
Despite numerous attempts at clarification, Jeremy would not specify whether or not he actually brought the coins from Spain — yet he nevertheless continued using the phrase “Spanish Water” without fail.
10. 4.6 Magnitude Earthquake in New Zealand – May 27, 2019
9. 4.1 Magnitude Earthquake in Panama – May 27, 2019
8. 5.7 Magnitude Earthquake in Alaska – May 27, 2019
7. 5.7 Magnitude Earthquake in Vanuatu – May 25, 2019
6. 4.9 Magnitude Earthquake in Xizang – May 26, 2019
5. 4.6 Magnitude Earthquake in Russia – May 24, 2019
4. 4.8 Magnitude Earthquake in Indonesia – May 26, 2019
3. 4.9 Magnitude Earthquake in Indonesia – May 26, 2019
2. 5.0 Magnitude Earthquake in Papua New Guinea – May 26, 2019
1. 8.0 Magnitude Earthquake in Peru (5.85 S, 75.27 W)– May 27, 2019
Earthquake information: volcanodiscovery.com
Astrological information: Emma Matson-Maguire
By Mo Macsai-Goren
THE DESSERT – Discovering new evidence in the infamous 1993 Jensen homicide case, Camel detective Roger L. Hungus announced to the public that he would be reopening the case in an effort to chase his newfound hunch.
Hungus gained notoriety in the early 1990s for his tendency to disregard ample, pertinent evidence in exchange for sporadic instinctual feelings, mostly brought on by high doses of caffeine.
Although unorthodox, Hungus’ methods have led to convictions in over 550 homicide cases over the last 25 years. Desert Police Department Captain Sheldon O. Dune awarded Hungus with the Chadwick V. Grindle Medal, the DPD’s highest honor.
Those close to Hungus expect him to announce his retirement sometime in the next year in order to spend more time with his family and spiraling into deep state conspiracy theories disguised as evidence-based hunches.
By David Colton
BRITISH HOSPITAL — Cameras flashed and cheers echoed through the streets of London this morning as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle welcomed a royal baby into the world.
Everyone was thrilled — that is, everyone except the Duchess of Sussex herself. For her, this was the worst-case scenario.
When the nurse stood up with the newborn for the first time, he had a puzzled look on his face. For Meghan, she knew exactly what that meant: her baby looked like Barry Manilow.
She immediately told Harry that she didn’t know how this was possible — she had never even heard “Copacabana” or seen the music video.
For Harry, it was a dream come true.
“This… is the best day of my life,” said the Duke of Sussex, who left his wife with their newborn while he went to rummage through his parents’ basement for his original 7” pressing of “Mandy.”
Harry pushed his way through a barrage of reporters on the way out of the hospital, sprinting whenever he had the chance.
He said he’s never felt more motivated to find or do anything in his entire life.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
ROW 32 – Struggling to fully commit to Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, social scientist Dominic Atkinson conducted a thorough study of airline passengers and their in-flight entertainment preferences late Tuesday night.
After extensive interviews with the flight crew and over 13 hours of participant observation, Atkinson concluded that the majority of passengers preferred to covertly watch the screen of the person in front of them, regardless of what was playing on their own personal screen.
“This doesn’t surprise me at all,” Atkinson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Why would anybody want to watch a movie of their choice when they could strain themselves to watch A Dog’s Purpose with no sound and half the screen obstructed? It’s a no brainer.”
Atkinson’s study went on to clarify that passengers pay the most attention to their own screens after being served meals due in part to the restrictions that a hot aluminum tin of in-flight shrimp scampi have on the human body’s ability to exert any amount of energy.
The study is currently under peer review by Greg, the man sitting in seat 32E, who is currently encroaching on Atkinson’s highly-coveted elbow room.
By David Colton
NAN’S BASEMENT — Finishing a crumb-heavy snack of old Bugles and mayo, Henry Charles Albert David, also known as Prince Harry, had a full-on meltdown over Fortnite.
“Nobody shall be allowed to play until I completely master the v8.20 update,” said Prince Harry, speaking to an empty parlor except for the Queen, “And nobody shall kill me without giving me proper time to react!”
Even Queen Elizabeth II said she can’t believe it’s taking him this long to master Builder Pro.
“This buffoon still doesn’t know how to navigate Tilted Towers,” said the Queen, who has already moved on to ‘Apex Legends,’ “It’s no surprise he wants to stop all of the little kiddies from winning.”
Unfortunately, Prince Harry said, there’s just no way around making everyone quit until he can win.
“I just keep getting murdered by these complete cheaters,” said Harry, who still hasn’t met his daughter since season 8 began.
“It’s honestly so unfair, and they’re usually a bunch of Rust Lords,” Harry said, referring to a low-level skin that only complete n00bs wear.
It is unclear if he will be present for the birth of his second child at this time.