By David Colton
THE WATER — When FinTech Corp. revealed it had indisputible
evidence that sharks were sentient beings and wanted to learn to use smartphone
apps last year, many skeptics were doubtful.
Last week the Gwyneth Paltrow-funded company unveiled revolutionary
technology that experts are saying could define the future of aquatic
The app is called “Byte.”
“Through our research, we discovered the full scope of shark
sexuality,” said Therman Pummels, strange man and shark porn expert, “Two weeks
later, ‘Byte’ was conceived.”
In the initial test stages, the researchers created their
own profiles to test the sexual tendencies of the world’s favorite water
predators. Of course, because they are human, they disguised their profiles to
look like sharks.
Quickly, the researchers began to notice a response unlike
any they had ever seen. Overwhelmingly, the sharks who paid the $5.99 monthly
fee for the service responded more positively to the profiles of humans on
surfboards than to other sharks themselves.
This tendency was true of all shark species regardless of
sexual orientation — and it had some unlikely consequences.
Matthew Warbles is the president of Hammerhead, a society
that promotes human-shark relationships.
“We’re just happy somebody finally made an app for this,”
said Warbles, who spends most of his time in an armchair, “We’ve been writing
letters about this for years.”
‘Byte’ is now #5 on the App Store.
By David Colton
DAVENPORT, IA — More than two years after returning from his
study abroad trip to Barcelona, Jeremy Foitle still stands by his decision to
bring back as many coins as he could.
Although he says most of them reside in a specific corner on
the top of his dresser, Jeremy makes sure to always keep some coins on him for
“You just never know when you’ll meet someone who
appreciates that one coin can hold two dollars,” said Jeremy, who still hasn’t
bothered to find out what the coins are called.
Jeremy confirmed that he plans to use the coins for several
purposes, including showing off to fellow coin enthusiasts and potentially even
exchanging them for a good or service.
Namely, Jeremy has pointed out repeatedly that the “2 dollar
one” is exactly the price of a bottle of “Spanish water.”
Despite numerous attempts at clarification, Jeremy would not
specify whether or not he actually brought the coins from Spain — yet he nevertheless
continued using the phrase “Spanish Water” without fail.
10. 4.6 Magnitude Earthquake in New Zealand – May 27, 2019
9. 4.1 Magnitude Earthquake in Panama – May 27, 2019
8. 5.7 Magnitude Earthquake in Alaska – May 27, 2019
7. 5.7 Magnitude Earthquake in Vanuatu – May 25, 2019
6. 4.9 Magnitude Earthquake in Xizang – May 26, 2019
5. 4.6 Magnitude Earthquake in Russia – May 24, 2019
4. 4.8 Magnitude Earthquake in Indonesia – May 26, 2019
3. 4.9 Magnitude Earthquake in Indonesia – May 26, 2019
2. 5.0 Magnitude Earthquake in Papua New Guinea – May 26, 2019
1. 8.0 Magnitude Earthquake in Peru (5.85 S, 75.27 W)– May 27, 2019
Earthquake information: volcanodiscovery.com
Astrological information: Emma Matson-Maguire
By David Colton
BRITISH HOSPITAL — Cameras flashed and cheers echoed through
the streets of London this morning as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle welcomed a
royal baby into the world.
Everyone was thrilled — that is, everyone except the Duchess
of Sussex herself. For her, this was the worst-case scenario.
When the nurse stood up with the newborn for the first time,
he had a puzzled look on his face. For Meghan, she knew exactly what that
meant: her baby looked like Barry Manilow.
She immediately told Harry that she didn’t know how this was
possible — she had never even heard “Copacabana” or seen the music video.
For Harry, it was a dream come true.
“This… is the best day of my life,” said the Duke of Sussex,
who left his wife with their newborn while he went to rummage through his
parents’ basement for his original 7” pressing of “Mandy.”
Harry pushed his way through a barrage of reporters on the
way out of the hospital, sprinting whenever he had the chance.
He said he’s never felt more motivated to find or do
anything in his entire life.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
ROW 32 – Struggling to fully commit to Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, social scientist Dominic Atkinson conducted a thorough study of airline passengers and their in-flight entertainment preferences late Tuesday night.
After extensive interviews with the flight crew and over 13 hours of participant observation, Atkinson concluded that the majority of passengers preferred to covertly watch the screen of the person in front of them, regardless of what was playing on their own personal screen.
“This doesn’t surprise me at all,” Atkinson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Why would anybody want to watch a movie of their choice when they could strain themselves to watch A Dog’s Purpose with no sound and half the screen obstructed? It’s a no brainer.”
Atkinson’s study went on to clarify that passengers pay the most attention to their own screens after being served meals due in part to the restrictions that a hot aluminum tin of in-flight shrimp scampi have on the human body’s ability to exert any amount of energy.
The study is currently under peer review by Greg, the man sitting in seat 32E, who is currently encroaching on Atkinson’s highly-coveted elbow room.
By David Colton
NAN’S BASEMENT — Finishing a crumb-heavy snack of old Bugles
and mayo, Henry Charles Albert David, also known as
Prince Harry, had a full-on meltdown over Fortnite.
“Nobody shall be allowed to play until I completely master
the v8.20 update,” said Prince Harry, speaking to an empty parlor except for
the Queen, “And nobody shall kill me without giving me proper time to react!”
Even Queen Elizabeth II said she can’t believe it’s taking
him this long to master Builder Pro.
“This buffoon still doesn’t know how to navigate Tilted
Towers,” said the Queen, who has already moved on to ‘Apex Legends,’ “It’s no
surprise he wants to stop all of the little kiddies from winning.”
Unfortunately, Prince Harry said, there’s just no way around
making everyone quit until he can win.
“I just keep getting murdered by these complete cheaters,”
said Harry, who still hasn’t met his daughter since season 8 began.
“It’s honestly so
unfair, and they’re usually a bunch of Rust Lords,” Harry said, referring to a
low-level skin that only complete n00bs wear.
It is unclear if he will be present for the birth of his
second child at this time.