By Mo Macsai-Goren
ROW 32 – Struggling to fully commit to Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, social scientist Dominic Atkinson conducted a thorough study of airline passengers and their in-flight entertainment preferences late Tuesday night.
After extensive interviews with the flight crew and over 13 hours of participant observation, Atkinson concluded that the majority of passengers preferred to covertly watch the screen of the person in front of them, regardless of what was playing on their own personal screen.
“This doesn’t surprise me at all,” Atkinson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Why would anybody want to watch a movie of their choice when they could strain themselves to watch A Dog’s Purpose with no sound and half the screen obstructed? It’s a no brainer.”
Atkinson’s study went on to clarify that passengers pay the most attention to their own screens after being served meals due in part to the restrictions that a hot aluminum tin of in-flight shrimp scampi have on the human body’s ability to exert any amount of energy.
The study is currently under peer review by Greg, the man sitting in seat 32E, who is currently encroaching on Atkinson’s highly-coveted elbow room.
By David Colton
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — It’s no secret video that games are making a comeback in a big way.
Ever since “Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice” came out, the gaming community has been in the sunken place trying to figure it out. However, some are migrating in the opposite direction: playing the worse-made versions of console games on their phones.
Kevin “Last of his Name” Smith has been talking up mobile gaming to his mother for months now in an attempt to convince her he will be more active.
“Sharon has not ventured to the Viper’s Realm much,” said Kevin, speaking
about the pantry he moved a couch into, “at least not since I issued
Declaration 476. Oh, are you unfamiliar? That’s the Smithwide prohibition on
questioning anything I say or do.”
While it Kevin, who is clearly an only child, thinks he has his
mother fooled, Sharon Smith has some choice words of her own.
“Will you tell that fucking loser to get a job? All he does is sit
down there and play those silly games,” said Sharon Smith, who declined to let
any of us use the restroom.
“He told me it helps him get hand exercise, but honestly I’d rather
just have him jerking it down there.”
Upon saying this, Sharon immediately realized that’s exactly what
Kevin is doing, and dashed downstairs to intervene.