‘Mobile Gamer’ Hasn’t Moved in Four Hours

By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — It’s no secret video that games are making a comeback in a big way.

Ever since “Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice” came out, the gaming community has been in the sunken place trying to figure it out. However, some are migrating in the opposite direction: playing the worse-made versions of console games on their phones.

Kevin “Last of his Name” Smith has been talking up mobile gaming to his mother for months now in an attempt to convince her he will be more active.

“Sharon has not ventured to the Viper’s Realm much,” said Kevin, speaking about the pantry he moved a couch into, “at least not since I issued Declaration 476. Oh, are you unfamiliar? That’s the Smithwide prohibition on questioning anything I say or do.”

While it Kevin, who is clearly an only child, thinks he has his mother fooled, Sharon Smith has some choice words of her own.

“Will you tell that fucking loser to get a job? All he does is sit down there and play those silly games,” said Sharon Smith, who declined to let any of us use the restroom.

“He told me it helps him get hand exercise, but honestly I’d rather just have him jerking it down there.”

Upon saying this, Sharon immediately realized that’s exactly what Kevin is doing, and dashed downstairs to intervene.