Google Maps Update Now Sends Rude Relatives to Wrong Address Hours Away

By Grace Bahler

MOUNTAIN VIEW—Google’s headquarters just made a huge announcement that will
likely push their Maps application to the top of an online tech magazine that publishes
tons of listicles. During a press conference on Monday, April 29, CEO Sundar Pichai
revealed that Google Maps will now feature a setting that sends rude relatives to a
wrong address hours away.

“We hope this helps families out in those tough times, like organizing a birthday
celebration or any holiday, ever,” Pichai said in a statement. “This addition will likely
prevent conflict as well as the need to pretend you like a gift your weird aunt got you.”

When asked if the feature was for relatives only, Pichai encouraged its use outside of
the home. Adding that it would be great for planning friend-group events but not having
to attend, or sending the office creep away, Google fully endorses their new Google
Maps for any setting.

“I want Google Maps to be the device that combines what the tech industry has been
working towards for years,” Pichai said. “And that is directions and avoidance of any
confrontation whatsoever. You can still invite people you hate over, but you can feel
good about it.”

Many reporters in the room were so enthused by this announcement that they
immediately texted family members, friends, and co-workers their new addresses—and
an invitation to come over for dinner.

As of now, the tech company is working on adding a new tagline to Google Maps: We
Get You There, and Now We Send Them Across State Lines.

‘Mobile Gamer’ Hasn’t Moved in Four Hours

By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — It’s no secret video that games are making a comeback in a big way.

Ever since “Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice” came out, the gaming community has been in the sunken place trying to figure it out. However, some are migrating in the opposite direction: playing the worse-made versions of console games on their phones.

Kevin “Last of his Name” Smith has been talking up mobile gaming to his mother for months now in an attempt to convince her he will be more active.

“Sharon has not ventured to the Viper’s Realm much,” said Kevin, speaking about the pantry he moved a couch into, “at least not since I issued Declaration 476. Oh, are you unfamiliar? That’s the Smithwide prohibition on questioning anything I say or do.”

While it Kevin, who is clearly an only child, thinks he has his mother fooled, Sharon Smith has some choice words of her own.

“Will you tell that fucking loser to get a job? All he does is sit down there and play those silly games,” said Sharon Smith, who declined to let any of us use the restroom.

“He told me it helps him get hand exercise, but honestly I’d rather just have him jerking it down there.”

Upon saying this, Sharon immediately realized that’s exactly what Kevin is doing, and dashed downstairs to intervene.