John Bolton Unmasked As Rogue Jeff Foxworthy

By David Colton

WASHINGTON — It turns out the National Security Adviser of the United States is not, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader.

“I know John, John is a good guy,” said President Donald Trump, enjoying a dinner of goldfish and fruit snacks. “Jeff is a good guy, you know, he’s a good guy. That’s what I said. Jeff is a good guy. That’s why I hired him in the first place, for that job.”

It appears the President is attempting to pass off the situation as if he hired former Golden Corral spokesman Jeff Foxworthy for the prestigious White House position on purpose.

“Well, you know, this whole thang is just a big ole doozy,” said Foxworthy, who had previously given no reason for appointing 12 charismatic ten-year-olds as National Security Aides.

“I just think we should all kick back, drink a couple mimosas and throw on some Tucker.”

It really seems like nobody is going to do anything about Jeff Foxworthy working in the White House.

“I think he’s a good guy, you know. He’s got a ton of experience with children, and I hear he works especially well with Hispanics,” said President Trump, sitting in an adult-sized high chair five inches from the television screen.

Jeff Foxworthy will resume talks with North Korea Monday as his “true self.” He said he plans to treat North Korean official Kim Yong Chol to a dinner of Ruby Tuesday’s, with dessert in the candy aisle of the neighboring Big Lots!