Abolish Bryce: That Guy Sucks

By Scottie Pzeskryzwcsk

SAN DIEGO – Hundreds of protesters convened in front of the University of California San Diego’s reflecting pool early Wednesday morning to protest the ongoing presence of Bryce McMahon, 19, on the undergraduate campus. These massive demonstrations come on the heels of the administration’s decision to allow McMahon to remain enrolled at UCSD despite being a massive tool. Members of the faculty have brought McMahon’s behavior to the attention of the administration at the request of a group of anonymous students who could not stand listening to McMahon talk about Jordan Belfort anymore. Thom Jorgensen, McMahon’s resident advisor, suggested expelling the third-year sophomore outright after he openly became a campus ambassador for Total Frat Move and admitted his love for the Entourage Movie in one of his many protein-powder-fueled fugue states. Although the protests have progressively gotten larger and more impassioned, there have still been no indications from the UCSD administration that they will indeed abolish Bryce.

Graduating Senior Excited to Finally Fulfill Hurtful Superlative

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO — The very same day Sarah Fondant joined her sorority, she knew she would be making wonderful, lasting memories with a wonderful group of people.

The past four years haven’t been easy for Sarah, who was only able to secure a few close friends despite constantly being forced to attend group events. However, she said she’s finally ready to fulfill her destiny.

“They voted me ‘most likely to become second-in-command at a midsized corporation,’” said Sarah Fondant, president of the university’s Economics society, “What is this, fucking J.D. Power & Associates?”

Sarah said she actually loves J.D. Power & Associates even though it’s unclear who they are and what they do, and she said she’s ready to give professional life a shot. She said she was surprised to win the award, and expected it to go to her colleague Heather.

Heather finished second in votes for this category, but she did receive the coveted “Most Likely to Invent a New Type of Cheese Puff” award, which has gone to super-senior Wanda Thumb for three straight years.

This year, Wanda finally backed out of the competition, admitting that she’s actually 38.

Headphones Untangled Just in Time to Hear Roommate Orgasm

By David Colton

FRESHMAN DORMS — When Jeffery Stokes inched open the door to his shared dorm room Thursday night, he could immediately tell something was amiss.

“Yeah, as soon as I walked in Stu said hi and asked how my night was,” said Jeffery, who has an 8 a.m. tomorrow. “We hadn’t spoken in months, so I knew what was happening.”

Jeffery said this wasn’t the first time he’d interrupted Stu’s nightly ritual, which usually takes place one to several times between dusk and dawn.

“It’s sort of like a race, because as soon as he thinks I’m out of earshot he goes right back to pulling his taffy,” Jeffery said, “I sleep six feet away.”

Jeffery describes a riveting ninety-second sound competition where he has to get his headphones into his earholes before Stu’s hand-to-gland combat comes to a close.

“He thinks that by turning the volume on his phone most of the way down I won’t be able to hear him use the voice function to search goblin porn,” said Jeffery, who listens to the preliminary stages of Stu’s one-man-tug-of-war every night.

Jeffery said the goblin porn sounds strangely human, from what he can tell.

“I usually get my headphones untangled just in time to hear the mythical foreplay end,” said Jeffery, “but right about when the warlock makes his third reappearance is when I start to hear super heavy breathing.”

Existential Crisis Put on Hold For Spring Break

By Dovis Macson-Coltai

CANCUN – Hopelessly trying to make beer pong shots before the nihilistic dread from last week came rushing back in, University of Arizona senior Tyler Cuncke reminded himself that this week was about having fun.

“I just knew that in order to be officially considered a naturalized American citizen, I had to learn to crush brews,” said Cuncke, who was interviewed as practice for a potential PR internship, “It’s all about reaching out, touching base and putting our heads together.”

The fifth-year junior and all-around fraternity legend had previously decided to put his ongoing existential crisis on pause to enjoy the cornucopia of pleasurable sin that spring break in Cancun had in store.

“Instead of thinking about my lack of job prospects or the fact that I’m costing my parents a hundred thousand extra dollars so I can finish Intro to Ceramics, I just think about Fireball,” Cunke said.

“Who needs future plans when I have a Tapout shirt and enough tequila in me to enjoy Pitbull?”

Mr. Worldwide, although he wasn’t there physically, was sure to attend the conference in spirit, speaking via WhatsApp on behalf of every single person with a calf/forearm tattoo.

“Follow the ink, baby,” said Pitbull, speaking from an Oakley Enthusiast group meeting in Reno, “It’s all about those mid-muscle portrayals, you know what I’m saying?”

Various staff members at the all-inclusive beachside resort Cunke and his cohorts decided they would ruin this week, and reported seeing him weeping over the continental breakfast before composing himself, unbuttoning his entire shirt, and pounding Bud Light Lime(s).

Liberal Arts College Football Coach Doused In Kombucha After Big Game

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PORTLAND – Head football coach Darwin McKay took an unexpected bath in tangy, fermented kombucha Saturday as the Reed College Griffins were crowned Pacific Northwest Division III champions.

After defeating the Lewis & Clark College Pioneers 42-3 in the division championship game, the Griffins will head to the Doc Marten Leather Sole Bowl later this year in Oberlin, Ohio where they will face off against Western Washington University.

“We wanted to give coach a proper football celebration to say thanks,” Linebacker Daniel O’Cyrus said as he received his commemorative championship stick-n-poke tattoo. “Coach is really the reason we’re here. Plus, who knows when we’re going to win another game.”

“Coach is the best and deserves to be celebrated,” Quarterback Geoff Trunke said. “He’s the only member of the coaching staff who lets us listen to Elliot Smith during practice. Really pumps us up.”

McKay, now in his fourth year with the team, was only briefly able to celebrate his greatest athletic achievement to date before the massive SCOBY plummeted out of the Gatorade cooler and knocked him out cold.

More to come.

5 fun things to do with your parents this weekend

  1. Play Checkers142038085.jpg

King me, mom and dad!

  1. Discuss the status of the Thompsons’ Divorce50872864-daughter-and-mature-parents-having-serious-talking-in-home-interior-Stock-Photo.jpg

I hear he’s letting her take the dog. Can you believe that?

  1. Order Pizza041109_pizzahut.jpg

Get cheese, pepperoni, or even sausage! The possibilities are truly endless.

  1. Lie about how your classes are goingconnecting-with-your-kids.png

Your professor hasn’t put any exams put in yet, so the actual grade is higher than it looks.

  1. Give them an uncomfortable tour of your house23a0938c5e3caa943becf8ca98a28373.jpg

Make sure you forget to move your lotion off of your nightstand.