By David Colton
FRESHMAN DORMS — When Jeffery Stokes inched open the door to his shared dorm room Thursday night, he could immediately tell something was amiss.
“Yeah, as soon as I walked in Stu said hi and asked how my night was,” said Jeffery, who has an 8 a.m. tomorrow. “We hadn’t spoken in months, so I knew what was happening.”
Jeffery said this wasn’t the first time he’d interrupted Stu’s nightly ritual, which usually takes place one to several times between dusk and dawn.
“It’s sort of like a race, because as soon as he thinks I’m out of earshot he goes right back to pulling his taffy,” Jeffery said, “I sleep six feet away.”
Jeffery describes a riveting ninety-second sound competition where he has to get his headphones into his earholes before Stu’s hand-to-gland combat comes to a close.
“He thinks that by turning the volume on his phone most of the way down I won’t be able to hear him use the voice function to search goblin porn,” said Jeffery, who listens to the preliminary stages of Stu’s one-man-tug-of-war every night.
Jeffery said the goblin porn sounds strangely human, from what he can tell.
“I usually get my headphones untangled just in time to hear the mythical foreplay end,” said Jeffery, “but right about when the warlock makes his third reappearance is when I start to hear super heavy breathing.”