Abolish Bryce: That Guy Sucks

By Scottie Pzeskryzwcsk

SAN DIEGO – Hundreds of protesters convened in front of the University of California San Diego’s reflecting pool early Wednesday morning to protest the ongoing presence of Bryce McMahon, 19, on the undergraduate campus. These massive demonstrations come on the heels of the administration’s decision to allow McMahon to remain enrolled at UCSD despite being a massive tool. Members of the faculty have brought McMahon’s behavior to the attention of the administration at the request of a group of anonymous students who could not stand listening to McMahon talk about Jordan Belfort anymore. Thom Jorgensen, McMahon’s resident advisor, suggested expelling the third-year sophomore outright after he openly became a campus ambassador for Total Frat Move and admitted his love for the Entourage Movie in one of his many protein-powder-fueled fugue states. Although the protests have progressively gotten larger and more impassioned, there have still been no indications from the UCSD administration that they will indeed abolish Bryce.

Bluetooth Speaker Not Waterproof, Very Angry Man Finds

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – Local beach personality Brayden Thump was left stunned and enraged Wednesday morning after nonchalantly tossing his brand new Bluetooth speaker to its watery demise.

Thump, a longtime Vineyard vacationer, had just paired his phone to the JBL Flip 3 speaker that he bought yesterday. After attempting to inaugurate his dad’s new Yacht with Post Malone’s “Rockstar” to no avail, Thump tried to throw the speaker to Geoff Sarpe, 19, on a nearby Wave runner.

“It really looked like it would float,” a beet-red Thump told Gatekeeper reporters as his throw came up short and his speaker sank to the bottom of the ocean. “Should I dive after it?”

As Thump spoke, the speaker made a feeble buzzing sound and then completely disintegrated.

“I can’t believe this shit,” Thumper fumed. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t listen to Geoff talk about his banking internship anymore. Fuck.”

Although Thump initially threw the speaker, the blame was immediately shifted towards Sarpe.

“You’re gonna have to tell my dad,” Thump told Sarpe. “He’s gonna be pissed. You know how much he loves listening to Bonnie Rait on this Yacht.”

Although he doesn’t get to the vineyard until Thursday, experts are predicting that Thump’s father, Quentin, is going to “absolutely murder” Sarpe upon arrival.

More to come.

Fraternal Twins Hazed

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI – 20-month-old fraternal twins Brayden and Trayden Cooper amazed partygoers late Saturday night after finishing every single case of warm milk presented to them.

Taking part in a seemingly cruel and archaic hazing ritual, the Cooper twins out-drank every other pledge vying for a coveted spot in the Tau Omega Theta house for the upcoming semester.

“These little dudes are already making me so proud, bruh,” the twins’ father Hayden Cooper said as tears welled up in his eyes. “Cayden already told me he wants to go into finance and Trayden said he plans on gaining fifty pounds in beer weight and sitting in the basement for the next seven years just like his old man.”

Cooper began to cry as he presented his sons with the ceremonial monogrammed Vineyard Vines onesies that have been passed down through every generation since the fraternity’s inception in 1872.

“I’m legally required to say that this fraternity is a non-hazing fraternity,” Cooper said. “These ‘bonding games’ have really bonded us forever. I don’t think I could be their father if they couldn’t chug.”

Cayden and Trayden were unavailable for comment as they are toddlers but seemed excited about their newfound friendships based solely on drinking and salmon-colored shorts.

Guys on other intramural team should’ve made the real team, Derek finds

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By David Colton

STANKOWSKI FIELD – Before this Tuesday’s intramural basketball game against the Missouri Baby Tigers, point guard Derek Waters noted one shocking fact.

“Dude, these guys all almost made the team, I swear,” says Waters, who supposedly saw many of them at tryouts for the practice team.

Waters’ teammate, Gerald Funk, says he isn’t positive on Waters’ logic.

“Yeah, whatever Derek says just isn’t true usually,” explains Funk, “I mean, I literally explained to him what a basketball was, like, three weeks ago.”

In response to hearing Funk’s comments, Waters simply said:

“Gerald? That man has no idea what’s going on, I’ve seen him do crack, dude. He’s also somehow a father of six, which I just don’t understand.”

Funk, who is actually a eunuch, explains “Honestly, it might just be a race thing… actually yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s just racist.”

Waters lives in a small shack off of Business Loop 70, reportedly doesn’t see color and is “actually almost completely blind.”

The game has yet to start and is a high-stakes matchup between two old rivals with bad intentions.

“I told the guys on the other team, you know, winning team gets to kill the families of losing team,” explains Waters, “so you could pretty much say this one’s for keeps.”

Fraternity lord falls ill

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By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO – In tragic news this week, local frat deity Brad Legend was overtaken by a serious illness Tuesday. Witnesses to the scene were nearly speechless after watching Legend nearly collapse during the fraternity’s party rehearsal.

“It was like, terrible,” says fraternal associate Jack Janus, “he just kept talking about how sick he was, and we were like, ‘dude, do you need to go to the hospital?’”

The students responsible for saving Brad’s life say they rushed Legend to the hospital after he repeatedly shouted the word “sick” at increasing levels of volume.

“It was probably the honestly scariest moment of my life,” says Legend’s Girlfriend, Mia Fakesly, “I literally already couldn’t, and then Brad made me like actually not be able to even could.”

Fakesly could not be reached to clarify her comments.

Other members of the fraternity expressed empathy for Brad’s family, as well as the pledges who will have to endure months of catering to Brad’s every need.

“Honestly, I just really hope it doesn’t affect how the party goes on Saturday, because that shit is going to be hella lit,” says another fraternity member who didn’t remember his name, “I really hope and pray for Brad’s family as they endure this, I know what it’s like to be too sick for your own good.”

Brad was dismissed from Boone County Hospital the next day, and is now bedridden. Legend’s doctors say they “had no idea what was going on” and were “honestly pretty high during all of that… did we actually operate on that guy? He was fine.”