By David Colton

STANKOWSKI FIELD – Before this Tuesday’s intramural basketball game against the Missouri Baby Tigers, point guard Derek Waters noted one shocking fact.

“Dude, these guys all almost made the team, I swear,” says Waters, who supposedly saw many of them at tryouts for the practice team.

Waters’ teammate, Gerald Funk, says he isn’t positive on Waters’ logic.

“Yeah, whatever Derek says just isn’t true usually,” explains Funk, “I mean, I literally explained to him what a basketball was, like, three weeks ago.”

In response to hearing Funk’s comments, Waters simply said:

“Gerald? That man has no idea what’s going on, I’ve seen him do crack, dude. He’s also somehow a father of six, which I just don’t understand.”

Funk, who is actually a eunuch, explains “Honestly, it might just be a race thing… actually yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s just racist.”

Waters lives in a small shack off of Business Loop 70, reportedly doesn’t see color and is “actually almost completely blind.”

The game has yet to start and is a high-stakes matchup between two old rivals with bad intentions.

“I told the guys on the other team, you know, winning team gets to kill the families of losing team,” explains Waters, “so you could pretty much say this one’s for keeps.”