By David Colton

MIDDLEBUSH HALL—After receiving several accusations and relentless questioning about the function of the leather elbow patches on his tweed jacket, Professor Gary Drooper finally broke his silence.

“I’ve received several questions regarding the function of the intentional patches on this tweed jacket,” Drooper explains to a crowd of thousands at his press conference, “I hope you can all rest assured my elbows will be safe indefinitely.”

Drooper uses the word ‘indefinitely,’ he says, because he hasn’t taken the jacket off in several weeks.

“I haven’t taken it off since I got it, and I don’t plan on it anytime soon, at least not until I find a jacket with mothballs and leather patches… but now I’m just being unrealistic,” Drooper explains, giggling sheepishly.

Also brought up in conversation was the “english courier” hat Drooper is often seen wearing.

“It really just reminds me of where I came from, and keeps me humble. When people see me in this hat they think ‘hey, that guy’s probably British or a smart writer or something,’ and that just razzes my berries,” explains Drooper, who is a professor of Theatre 1000 from Detroit.