Rush Limbaugh to pursue new Zebra Cake-themed radio show

gty_rush_limbaugh_jef_120306_wblog.jpgBy David Colton

DARK FOREST—In an interesting turn of events, Rush Limbaugh has just announced the subject of his new radio show: Lil’ Debbie Zebra Cakes. Republicans say they expected a shift in topic from Limbaugh, but not one this extreme.

“I mean, I think we all knew Rush was going to do something controversial,” explains Senator Mike Huckabee, “I at least expected him to focus on something a little less intense, like Texas Toast.”

Limbaugh, however, was not to be rattled, as he has his own vision for the show and for America.

“Imagine a world where you can legally take up to 65 Zebra Cakes on an airplane,” states Limbaugh, “it’s about damn time people wake up in this country and see the things that can really help them.”

In regards to the Zebra Cake’s decline in popularity, Limbaugh said only “Yeah, well nuclear war isn’t popular either, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be awesome.”

The law, however revolutionary it may be, does have some restrictions.

“I don’t allow minorities to eat Zebra Cakes. It’s offensive to them. The white frosting drizzled on top of the chocolate frosting…just…so……perfectly. Anyway, I would know what offends other people, so you should trust me. After all, I did come up with the idea for a Zebra Cake talk show.”

Professor insists leather patches on tweed jacket protect his elbows


By David Colton

MIDDLEBUSH HALL—After receiving several accusations and relentless questioning about the function of the leather elbow patches on his tweed jacket, Professor Gary Drooper finally broke his silence.

“I’ve received several questions regarding the function of the intentional patches on this tweed jacket,” Drooper explains to a crowd of thousands at his press conference, “I hope you can all rest assured my elbows will be safe indefinitely.”

Drooper uses the word ‘indefinitely,’ he says, because he hasn’t taken the jacket off in several weeks.

“I haven’t taken it off since I got it, and I don’t plan on it anytime soon, at least not until I find a jacket with mothballs and leather patches… but now I’m just being unrealistic,” Drooper explains, giggling sheepishly.

Also brought up in conversation was the “english courier” hat Drooper is often seen wearing.

“It really just reminds me of where I came from, and keeps me humble. When people see me in this hat they think ‘hey, that guy’s probably British or a smart writer or something,’ and that just razzes my berries,” explains Drooper, who is a professor of Theatre 1000 from Detroit.