By David Colton
Sad Man Realizes He Will Never Know if He Can Fit in Air Vent
By David Colton
BUFFALO — The clock struck 1:57 as the low buzz of the Office Depot-style fluorescent lights filled the small, windowless office.
For Herman Berbel, it was a regular Saturday’s work as a Subaru Outback Warranty Specialist.
The office remained in its near-silent state for most if not all of the day as Herman sat perfectly still, moving only his finger to peruse the depths of the internet in a desperate yet feeble search for human connection.
The phone sat silent on his desk, its paint faded yet unblemished— evidence of years of customer satisfaction.
That’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
Herman’s mind does not often wander, a lesson taught by many years of subdued, uneventful life.
For a while he allowed himself one freedom. He would imagine that the square vent above the printer was actually a secret passageway to some far away world—a place where Subaru’s were plagued with transmission and suspension issues.
All Herman had to do was unscrew the four big bolts around the screen and he’d be free forever.
And yet he knew he never would.
He’d have to get a ladder from somewhere, and there was no way he was going to buy a ladder. That guy who fixes roofs in the next office over would probably have one, but he probably doesn’t even know who Herman is. He would probably say yes if Herman asked to borrow a ladder, but he would probably want to be friends and hang out. Besides, Herman probably couldn’t even fit in there. The last thing he’d want is to get stuck in the vent without a way out, because he knew that’s where he’d die. If he got stuck he’d try calling for help, but not too loudly because he would sort of rather die than need to be rescued from an air vent while completely and utterly alone.
So for now, he’s resigned to silence.
Six More Weeks of Spooky Bullshit Imminent After Tim Burton Sees Shadow
By David Colton
ELM STREET — As Halloween approaches, Americans have once again ritualistically begun to go through the annual tradition of humanizing murder and suffering in the name of free chocolate.
Just as the shelves of Target seamlessly transitioned from summer vibes to fake spiderwebs and massive bags of candy, the American people generally shift from Halloween décor to Thanksgiving and even Christmas relatively quickly.
Consumers around the world keep their eyes on one shadowy little hole waiting desperately for a signal from their fearless leader: famous director and renowned strangeman man Tim Burton.
In the days leading up to the made-up excuse to get drunk and wear Harry Potter robes on a weekday, the entire American populace anxiously anticipates Mr. Burton slinking out of his little puppet-sized home and walking to the Mobil down the street, where he indulges in the ceremonial rotisserie beef taquito — that is, if spooky season is nearly over.
The other option, which has proven disastrous several times in the past decade, is that Mr. Burton slinks out of his home and is instantly attacked by the ghost of his former self — in particular, the version of himself that is responsible for “Frankenweenie.”
“I’ve seen that guy who made Frankenweenie before, and let me tell you: Tim is not that person anymore,” said Rynault Throes, a Burton mega-fan and apprentice to the owner of his fan club merch shop. “This is going to be a long autumn to say the least.”
Annual Report Finds Dylan’s Mom Said We Could
By David Colton
WILMETTE, IL— In a shock to researchers and scientists across the globe, local boy Mikey Thomas released data Thursday that could have serious implications.
“Well, it really all started when we were gonna do an air soft war,” said Thomas, who landed a role as Perchik in the Middlebury Middle School production of “Fiddler on the Roof” as a 7th grader.
Mikey says he and his two “kid friends,” Dylan Knox and Tanner Oliver, intended to travel from Mikey’s house to the Knox residence, where they would shoot plastic bullets at each other at point blank range with virtually no protection.
“It was Tanner who started acting like a pansy. He said he didn’t want to play, and that it was against the rules,” said Dylan, whose sister is a sophomore in college.
It was in this moment that 13-year-old Mikey Thomas dropped a truth bomb on Tanner.
“I just said, look, kid. These are the facts. Dylan’s mom said we could do air soft at his place no matter what,” Mikey said, “as long as we don’t tell our parents about his secret uncle.”
Tanner declined to comment on the incident, although he was sighted late Tuesday afternoon at Pinkberry with his mom.
With the weakest link effectively severed, Mikey and Dylan say they have big plans.
“We invented this game where if you lose in Fortnite the other person gets to shoot you in the face, no goggles, no blinks,” Mikey said.
Free Poster From Freshman Year Makes Sad Reappearance in Childhood Bedroom
By David Colton
LAWRENCE, KS— Chase Winters was the coolest guy on campus, and everyone knew it. He had cascading locks of curly brown hair which was matted down by months of ceaseless pressure from his Yeti mesh baseball hat.
He had a beer belly and did cocaine six days a week, and women hated him. He was unstoppable.
These are the sentiments Chase said he still carries with him today, ten months after he stopped attending classes because “school is for GDI’s.”
Now, according to Chase, he’s back at it and better than ever.
“I’m putting the final touches on the Aviary of Man,” Winters said. “It’s really coming together in a way I never thought possible in high school.”
Chase said the new nickname for his childhood-bedroom-turned-man-cave-in-his-parents’-attic comes from a place of noble roots.
“I initially came up with the concept for the Aviary when I realized I hadn’t made any effort to succeed in school or work,” Chase said.
The setup came to him naturally, and the signature touch was the second debut of that sick poster of Chance. You seen it? It’s sick.
Now, all that’s left to do is wait for slight acquaintances from high school to come home for four-day increments and invite them to a horrible, sad party.
10 “Literally Died” last night in Greektown
by Garrett Dvorkin
FOURLOKO- To most Mizzou students, the night of September 23rd was an average night, but in the greek community there was tragedy. After a night filled with jerseys and jungle juice, the “literally died last night” toll has continued to rise. Although there was no connection found between the victims’ sororities or hair color, all 10 girls were seen “slapping the bag” at some point in the night.
The Gatekeeper news team spoke with freshman Rachel Lewis of Tri Nu about last night’s chaos.
“Pike was beyond lit last night. Their theme was so original! It was jerseys and prostitutes. We stopped by TKE for some free booze before went to Pike. Everyone was so wasted. Oh, and then they played Chainsmokers and Justin Bieber, so I knew it was where I wanted to be. You have to look at my Snapchat Story…….”
The interview lasted an incredible three hours even though we only asked four questions.
Rachel and other freshman have been forced to “die” in Greektown due to the new bouncers at 10 Below and Roxy’s.
“My friend Kyle who’s a Delt was roommates with the bouncer at MyHouse. We were gonna go and flirt with the guys getting bottle service but that bitch Rebecca got denied” said Lewis.
“Yeah,” remarked Lewis’ friend Dennis, “what a bitch.”
This was a shock to MU, who has been hoping “literal deaths” would be down this year. Chief of Police Bob Douche was quoted, saying:
“Sure, some people think this stat isn’t that important. But I tell them just to look at the snapchat stories from last night and see those girls literally being killed right before your eyes…..it’s truly haunting.”
Although many of the victims went on record saying “I’m never drinking again,” almost all of the victims were seen at Fieldhouse the next morning for bottomless mimosa’s.
Mizzou Football Program Announces Relocation to Los Angeles
by Garrett Dvorkin
COLUMBIA– It is a sad day for central Missouri. Coach Barry Odom announced earlier today that the Mizzou football team will be moving to LA for the next football season. This is a sort of Deja Vu for many Missouri residents who saw their beloved Rams leave for Los Angeles two years ago.
Mizzou will join USC playing their home games at the LA Colosseum. Even though it doesn’t make sense logistically, it was the only stadium where they could dump the Tigers. Mizzou will play their home games at the Colosseum until their new $3billion stadium is completed in some LA ghetto. UM system’s president Mun Choi expounded why the University of Missouri decided to move saying,
“This team can’t continue to survive in Central Missouri. This is going to be great for our program and our fans will learn to love this move. Sure USC and UCLA are already there, but look at the Chargers, there is a long history of unnecessary relocations to LA that we are very proud to be apart of.”
Although there are very few Mizzou fans in Los Angeles, Odom didn’t think that this would be a problem. “LA fans are used to being forced to root for a team that decided randomly to relocate there. We believe that if we can become trendy enough we have a shot to compete here.”
Stan Kroenke was ecstatic about the recent news. Kroenke who moved the Rams to La only a few years ago was happy that Missouri lost another program saying, “Yeah it really hurt those St.Louis pussies when I took their NFL team from them. Now they are losing their college football team too? Thats just a dream come true.”
Chair With Wheels Easily Best Part About Mom’s Office
By David Colton
NORMAL, IL – Following several trips around the small grey building, reports confirmed Wednesday that the spinny chair in Mom’s office was easily the most entertaining part of the windowless maze of cubicles.
The reports discovered that despite the presence of a small, sad café in the lobby of the building, as well as a Ferrari calendar in Derek’s cubicle, the chair presented the most entertaining option.
“Honey, why don’t you and Derek take turns spinning each other in the chair?” says Mom, who constantly deflects questions about Derek’s status as ‘new dad.’
Derek, who says his hair loss is genetic and he can’t do anything about it, doesn’t want to spin too fast or else he may throw up.
“I don’t get what the big deal is, I get motion sickness very easily,” explains Derek, “but I’ll still have a fun time with the kiddo.”
After four hours spinning on the chair, Derek insisted we look through pictures of his old family, as well as play with his minor-league bobbleheads.
”I love these things,” says Derek, gesturing to an unnamed player from the Kane County Cougars, “The admission to the game is a little steep, but they make up for it every time with these bad boys.”
Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist
By David Colton
THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.
“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”
However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.
“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”
The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.
“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”
Suspicious number of Trump-favoring states have Long John Silver’s as polling centers
By David Colton
AMERICA, DAMN IT – In a recent survey across the country, studies determined that a questionable amount of red states have family restaurant and obesity perpetuator Long John Silvers listed as their polling places.
“It’s actually really convenient, because Tuesdays they have Fish Stick Frenzy,” explains voter and serious Paula Deen advocate Faith Destiny, “They just deep fry the ballot right there into the fish!”
Unsurprisingly, this has increased voter turnout tenfold in Minnesota and Wisconsin, among many other confused states.
Reports also showed an increase in Starbucks as polling places in blue states, where voters are given a free vest upon entry.
“Honestly, thank god they still serve the pumpkin spice latte even after Halloween is over,” explains drama student and turtleneck connesoure Philip Willoughby, “It makes it quite easy to choose who I’m voting for while convincing myself and everyone else I’m getting work done on my laptop.”
Both polling places are also handing out free bus tickets to Canada, as well as several pamphlets on space travel.