By David Colton

LAWRENCE, KS— Chase Winters was the coolest guy on campus, and everyone knew it. He had cascading locks of curly brown hair which was matted down by months of ceaseless pressure from his Yeti mesh baseball hat.

He had a beer belly and did cocaine six days a week, and women hated him. He was unstoppable.

These are the sentiments Chase said he still carries with him today, ten months after he stopped attending classes because “school is for GDI’s.”

Now, according to Chase, he’s back at it and better than ever.

“I’m putting the final touches on the Aviary of Man,” Winters said. “It’s really coming together in a way I never thought possible in high school.”

Chase said the new nickname for his childhood-bedroom-turned-man-cave-in-his-parents’-attic comes from a place of noble roots.

“I initially came up with the concept for the Aviary when I realized I hadn’t made any effort to succeed in school or work,” Chase said.

The setup came to him naturally, and the signature touch was the second debut of that sick poster of Chance. You seen it? It’s sick.

Now, all that’s left to do is wait for slight acquaintances from high school to come home for four-day increments and invite them to a horrible, sad party.