by Garrett Dvorkin
FOURLOKO- To most Mizzou students, the night of September 23rd was an average night, but in the greek community there was tragedy. After a night filled with jerseys and jungle juice, the “literally died last night” toll has continued to rise. Although there was no connection found between the victims’ sororities or hair color, all 10 girls were seen “slapping the bag” at some point in the night.
The Gatekeeper news team spoke with freshman Rachel Lewis of Tri Nu about last night’s chaos.
“Pike was beyond lit last night. Their theme was so original! It was jerseys and prostitutes. We stopped by TKE for some free booze before went to Pike. Everyone was so wasted. Oh, and then they played Chainsmokers and Justin Bieber, so I knew it was where I wanted to be. You have to look at my Snapchat Story…….”
The interview lasted an incredible three hours even though we only asked four questions.
Rachel and other freshman have been forced to “die” in Greektown due to the new bouncers at 10 Below and Roxy’s.
“My friend Kyle who’s a Delt was roommates with the bouncer at MyHouse. We were gonna go and flirt with the guys getting bottle service but that bitch Rebecca got denied” said Lewis.
“Yeah,” remarked Lewis’ friend Dennis, “what a bitch.”
This was a shock to MU, who has been hoping “literal deaths” would be down this year. Chief of Police Bob Douche was quoted, saying:
“Sure, some people think this stat isn’t that important. But I tell them just to look at the snapchat stories from last night and see those girls literally being killed right before your eyes…..it’s truly haunting.”
Although many of the victims went on record saying “I’m never drinking again,” almost all of the victims were seen at Fieldhouse the next morning for bottomless mimosa’s.