By David Colton

EVERY WHICH WAY—This morning, the Hooligan Organization for Executives (HOE) issued a formal statement of intent to scamper, which was unanimously agreed upon by the Hooligan board.

Denny von Mouth, HOE Chairman said this event should come as no surprise to the committee.

“Having defined our Hooligan organization as a scamper-oriented pyramid scheme, we think our decision to scamper will go over quite well with the committee,” von Mouth said.

The news of HOE’s plans to scamper come just months after the Hooligans’ first obstacle as an organization, which was unionizing. Since the group officially unionized last fall, they have staged strikes directly outside of the Bigwigs’ homes on every major holiday.

“Those foolish little imps wouldn’t stand a chance against Quintin and his professional falconry training,” said Bellevue Cobblestone III, a large, snooty British man in tight clothes.

Cobblestone is, of course, referring to the falcon he purchases annually for his son Quintin–a new one every year– part of what he considers to be a staple of the storied Cobblestone family history.

The Hooligans, however, seem to have plans of their own.

“After consulting the committee, we have determined that scampering about the neighborhood is effectively the smartest business decision moving forward,” said von Mouth, while mischievously crafting some sort of slingshot mechanism.

The Hooligans plan to scamper the first Tuesday of every week, and every other Wednesday in between the weeks when they scamper on Fridays as well, which is also every week.

So basically, Denny von Mouth says, every fuckin’ day.

“Look, it’s simple. We’re Hooligans. We scamper. It’s what we were born to do; it’s what we were elected to do. Nobody can change that, and nobody will—no matter how hard the committee tries.”

There is no voting process for the Hooligans nor any actual positions to which you can be elected. There is no committee.