Friend’s Painting Bad

By David Colton

KENILWORTH — Nobody was expecting transcendence. Nobody’s expectations were high at all, really.

And yet, somehow, Andrew let us all down anyway.

Art-major-at-a-state-school-turned-starving-artist-in-his-parents’-mansion Andrew Dimby told his friends long before his debut exhibition that his works would be sure to “call back some of the basic fundamentals of brushstroke literature.”

Although no one in the friend group bothered to question this, it didn’t take long for them to realize what they had done once they arrived at his house.

“I was really, really hoping all of his stuff was going to end up being abstract,” said Rachel Termin, Andrew’s friend. “When he told me most of the works were ‘contemplative reissues of modernist classics,’ I knew we were all fucked.”

According to Andrew’s personal website, there was no food or drink being served at the showing — which took place in his parents’ massive basement — and no outside snacks were allowed in.

“I really just find it so much harder to fully absorb and appreciate the full breadth of my work while under the influence of anything, be it food or drink,” said Andrew, who bought a scarf specifically for tonight.

Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist

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By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.

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“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”