friend – The Gatekeeper

Friend With Anxiety Being Really Weird

June 25, 2019Posted in LocalTagged anxiety, anxious, friend, funny, mental health, sad, satire, weirdLeave a comment

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — Drew’s new friends Jeremy and Dan knew he was unique.

“I immediately knew that Drew had anxiety when he told us he had anxiety,” said Jeremy, who is set to inherit his dad’s freelance roofing fortune, “but he kept telling us about things that we did and do that make him anxious, which is just so weird.”

Drew says he told two of his new friends about his anxiety as an effort to decrease the stigma against talking about mental health, especially among men.

“Like, men aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff,” said Dan, a 37-year-old who will never find love, “Yeah, Drew has anxiety, but I feel like he’s just being all weird about it by bringing it up.”

Dan and Jeremy say that as Drew’s friends, it’s now their duty to help him out — even if he’s being weird as fuck right now.

“We took it upon ourselves to tell every single one of our mutual friends about Drew’s condition,” said Dan, who drinks pre-workout before action movies, “That way, he doesn’t have to be anxious or whatever about everyone finding out.”

“I just see Drew doing these breathing exercises and trying to relax himself,” said Jeremy, who dresses as Joe Namath every single Halloween, “If I were him, I’d be hyping myself up and talking to every person I can about how to help.”

Jeremy and Dan, Drew’s new friends, say they have never suffered from mental health.

Friend’s Painting Bad

June 14, 2019Posted in LocalTagged art, artist, friend, gallery, painting, showLeave a comment

By David Colton

KENILWORTH — Nobody was expecting transcendence. Nobody’s expectations were high at all, really.

And yet, somehow, Andrew let us all down anyway.

Art-major-at-a-state-school-turned-starving-artist-in-his-parents’-mansion Andrew Dimby told his friends long before his debut exhibition that his works would be sure to “call back some of the basic fundamentals of brushstroke literature.”

Although no one in the friend group bothered to question this, it didn’t take long for them to realize what they had done once they arrived at his house.

“I was really, really hoping all of his stuff was going to end up being abstract,” said Rachel Termin, Andrew’s friend. “When he told me most of the works were ‘contemplative reissues of modernist classics,’ I knew we were all fucked.”

According to Andrew’s personal website, there was no food or drink being served at the showing — which took place in his parents’ massive basement — and no outside snacks were allowed in.

“I really just find it so much harder to fully absorb and appreciate the full breadth of my work while under the influence of anything, be it food or drink,” said Andrew, who bought a scarf specifically for tonight.

Joke Said Again, Louder

April 30, 2019Posted in Local, SocialTagged comedy, friend, funny, joke, lol, meme, monday, sad, satire, Social, tuesdayLeave a comment

By David Colton

THE WORKPLACE — After several seconds of deafening silence, Dennis Herblemann realized the circle of people standing in the break room must not have heard him.

So, he tried again to weave the same exact joke — verbatim — back into the conversation in a natural way.

“… It’d be called a can’t opener!” said Herblemann, a 34-year-old who routinely does explicit work-conversation prep in the car his way to work.

In a second crushing blow, Dennis once again received stone-cold silence from his colleagues, who were presumably still brooding over last night, where everyone had to stay 20 extra minutes so Susan could finish making copies.

“Honestly, all this says to me is ‘Dennis, nobody likes you or wants to spend any time with you,’” said Herblemann, who has worked at this company for 13 years.

“Back to the drawing board!”

Meanwhile, Trey — the new guy in accounting — came out guns blazing in his first week back since flying to Vegas for a poker tournament.

“So then, me and my buddy Jack, both absolutely plastered, won $60k in one hand, from the toilet. Talk about a fuckin’ royal flush, am I right?” said Trey, who might be under 30 according to workplace rumors.

Of course, workplace colleagues were incredibly receptive to Trey’s Vegas routine and at one point appeared to actively tighten the break room circle in an effort to squeeze him out.

Then, Trey did the unthinkable.

“Yo, guys, here’s another classic: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?”

Snapchat Friend Dies

April 9, 2019Posted in Local, SocialTagged dies, friend, high school, middle school, sad, snapchat, yogurt, yoplait, yoplait hardLeave a comment

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — After nearly four years of occasional story-viewing and near-complete ignorance of the fact she existed, Derek van Garble publicly mourned the loss of Kelsey Young Tuesday.

David van Garble, who once sat three rows behind Kelsey in Algebra II, wrote the following in a Facebook post:

“R.I.P. Kels. I never got the chance to tell you this but I always thought we would end up together. I’ll miss you so much </3”

When Kelsey Young arrived at Jeff’s Sunday night, she had no idea there would be that much alcoholic yogurt — it was her favorite thick fluid. But for Kelsey, it was also the first horseman of her dairy demise.

“I’ve never seen someone suck down that ‘gurt the way she did,” said Bob Huxley, assistant manager at Jeff’s Discotech and Yogurt Hub, “It was one of the single most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced.”

But Kelsey didn’t die from Yogurt alone. It was a complex and horrifying sequence of events, that objectively actually looked pretty cool.

After Young’s fifth Yoplait Hard of the night, she stumbled into a supply closet and stepped on a rake, bonking herself right in the noggin. Then, as she backpedaled and went “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she fell off the Jeff’s balcony into the giant people-sized punch bowl that was filled with — you guessed it — Yoplait Hard. Of course, she wasn’t dead then, just surrounded by alcoholic yogurt. But her time was coming, and it was clear she knew. When onlookers asked if she needed assistance, her response was simple.

“I am the yogurt now, and the yogurt is me. Goodbye, society. I am finally allowing the ‘gurt to consume me.”

Kelsey was 24.

Drunk Friend Also Bad Friend

April 4, 2019Posted in CampusTagged alcohol, bad guy, bar, drunk, friend, misogynist, sad, satire, sigma chiLeave a comment

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, SC — As it turns out, Kyle Murdoch literally lives for bottomless wells. At least, that’s what he kept repeating as he stumbled through Willie’s Sports Bar Thursday, spilling both of the vodka Redbulls he had — one in each hand.

“You should just go for her, dude,” said Kyle, identifying a woman who clearly just wanted to enjoy time with her friends, “she’s a straight smoke.”

Before belting every word to ‘Freebird’ — including a riveting, spot-on vocal rendition of the seven-minute guitar solo — Murdoch made sure he told all three friends he was with how much he loved them.

But these statements of affection quickly turned sour as the 20-year-old began to figure out his friends were slightly annoyed with him.

“Bro, you guys are being fucking cocks,” said Kyle, who has never met or asked about the family of anyone in the friend group, “I’m sick of having such shitty friends.”

“We were supposed to be brothers.”

After 20 minutes of simultaneously sulking and attempting to hit on women with his eyes, Kyle resigned to posting snap stories that objectified people he didn’t know.

At one point, Kyle was fully passed out on the bar, and it was clear he would need to be carried home. During the 30-minute walk home, Murdoch had to be supported on both sides, and fought the friends helping him the entire time.

UPDATE: This morning, Kyle asked why his friends didn’t get him laid last night.

“When I black, I like to black hard, bro. You guys are bad friends.”

Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist

November 28, 2016November 28, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, UncategorizedTagged artist, douche, friend, funny, kid, mizzou, satireLeave a comment

By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.

“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”