Drunk Friend Also Bad Friend

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, SC — As it turns out, Kyle Murdoch literally lives for bottomless wells. At least, that’s what he kept repeating as he stumbled through Willie’s Sports Bar Thursday, spilling both of the vodka Redbulls he had — one in each hand.

“You should just go for her, dude,” said Kyle, identifying a woman who clearly just wanted to enjoy time with her friends, “she’s a straight smoke.”

Before belting every word to ‘Freebird’ — including a riveting, spot-on vocal rendition of the seven-minute guitar solo — Murdoch made sure he told all three friends he was with how much he loved them.

But these statements of affection quickly turned sour as the 20-year-old began to figure out his friends were slightly annoyed with him.

“Bro, you guys are being fucking cocks,” said Kyle, who has never met or asked about the family of anyone in the friend group, “I’m sick of having such shitty friends.”

“We were supposed to be brothers.”

After 20 minutes of simultaneously sulking and attempting to hit on women with his eyes, Kyle resigned to posting snap stories that objectified people he didn’t know.

At one point, Kyle was fully passed out on the bar, and it was clear he would need to be carried home. During the 30-minute walk home, Murdoch had to be supported on both sides, and fought the friends helping him the entire time.

UPDATE: This morning, Kyle asked why his friends didn’t get him laid last night.

“When I black, I like to black hard, bro. You guys are bad friends.”

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